A Slight Miscommunication....

So, before I get started, I have to admit that I fought about whether or not to post this for 2 reasons. One being that it's quite embarrassing, and two being that the circumstances leading up to the miscommunication is entirely out of character for me. However, it makes for a pretty interesting story. Therefore, I have decided to get it off my chest..

     It all happened on a very lazy Saturday. I was lying around the house wallowing in boredom when I decided to check my Plenty of Fish dating profile. I have taken up making profiles (embarrassingly) because I don't seem to get out of the house enough to meet people very often. I was scrolling through my matches, and a particular profile caught my eye. She was quite attractive. Very attractive, in fact. I decided to bite the bullet and message her even though I just assumed I would be shunned. Not because I feel like I'm hideous, but just because for the men, the competition on dating sites are fierce. Mainly because all the men lie to make themselves look like prince charming...but I digress. I sent a message to her. Nothing fancy...just talking about music as it seemed to be a big interest of hers that I share. She responded and was very kind. We talked back and forth for a while, and I felt it was going good.  The messages crawled to a stop and I started tinkering around the house. About an hour later, my phone went off. I picked it up, and saw a message from her. It simply said "Are you busy tonight?" I responded, "No, just sitting around, being lazy".
She responded, I'm kinda bored, do you wanna maybe hang out.

    NOW....this is where I would normally either say no, or I would offer to meet at a restaurant, or coffee shop, but as fate would have it this weekend. I was broke as hell. So, against my better judgement, I said yes. Now, to be clear, I would never just invite a stranger to my home, EVER. Under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. So, I immediately panicked, as one with Social Anxiety disorder often does. Before I knew it, I was convinced that I was about to be chopped up and eaten. The only reason I made an exception was because her profile was exceptionally well filled out. From chemistry tests, to likes/dislikes etc. And from our conversation, we had a LOT in common. At this point I gave her my phone number so she could text me.


HERE IS WHERE THE STORY GETS WEIRD. I get a text from her. "Hey, I have a friend that wants to come with me. Do you have pandora or any other music there" I responded..."Yes, I can stream music, that wont be an issue" My thought was that she was bringing a guy. So I asked her, and she said no, it was a girlfriend of hers. Anxiety really set in at this point, because frankly, I was worried that I would be awkward. I reluctantly agreed, and then immediately wondered if I could just get in my car and leave and watch them show up and leave from the next set of duplexes, and forget all this ever happened. Instead I toughed it out. 20 minutes later a knock at the door. I answered, and there stood before two very attractive ladies. The friend was WAY hotter than the original girl I was texting with. I sat down in the chair and we started chit chatting, about kids, about the apartments.....you know just small talk. This went on for well over 10 minutes. Then the conversation went to work. I explained that I work as an IT guy, and she said she worked at The Pony. Now I have never been there (honest truth), but i'm pretty sure that's a strip club. She explained that her boss sent her home because her son was sick. My first thought at this point was "why is she not taking care of him right now".

The conversation stopped...the three of us awkwardly listening to some slow indie song that playing on pandora. I was frantically trying to think of a conversation starter when the song changed to some upbeat song. The prettier of the 2 girls sat up quickly and said "SO! You wanna start with lap dance?" Um WHAAAAAAAA? I sat there mouth gaped. I literally had NO CLUE what to say. The only thing I could mutter was "ummmmmmmmmm, a lap dance" Suddenly from behind her I hear "From both of us" at which point I simply laughed....like a TOTAL IDIOT. I had no clue what else to say. She responded, or we can go straight to your room.

The silence was suddenly broken. The prettier said "The normal rate for just a dance is $50, but we can cut you a deal if you like".

"WHOA WHOA" E-BRAKE!!!! The sudden realization hit me like a ton of bricks as I felt my heart jump into my throat. My immediate reaction was the urge to vomit all over the place. I swallowed hard.....

Me: Are you two.....(long pause while I wonder if the word hooker would offend them).....Prostitutes?"

Girl 1: Um yea, I dropped you like a million hints

Me: I don't pay for sex, that's illegal. Even if it were legal, I don't pay for sex. There must have been a misunderstanding.

Girl 2 (the hot one): If you don't like me, you can just do her.

Me: I'm not doing ANYONE! I'm not paying for sex.

Girl 1: Did you just think we were going to come over here and f*ck you for free?

Me: I NEVER ASSUMED ANYONE WAS SCREWING ANYONE! I thought you girls were bored and wanted to have a couple of beers and kill time

Girl 1: I told you we were bored and needed entertainment

Me: Ok, in my terms that means a couple of beers and karaoke. Not paying for sex. (At this point I was actually getting kind of pissed)

Girl 1: So, you don't want to get lucky

Me: I think we are on the same page. POF is a dating site...not an escort service. I can't believe you had the balls to assume a guy you met on a legitimate dating site would pay for sex.

Girl 1: Come on Girl 2, this guy is a loser. He thinks he can get sex from someone else for free.

Me: Um....I can.

Girl 2: Yea, but will they look like me?

Me: No, but my standards aren't that high...(Huge grin, just to piss her off)

Then the girls stormed off.


I watched out my window for the rest of the night waiting for a 300 lb black pimp named Knuckles to come over, but he never showed. I assume they just saw some fat guy on a dating and assumed I was desperate and thought they could make a few extra bucks.

A hard lesson was learned that night. Apparently I need to brush up on taking hints on when someone on a dating site is ,in fact, a prostitute. In the meantime, nobody is coming to my house again no matter how hot unless I know you. BIG BIG Mistake.

So guys, the saying holds true. IF IT SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT PROBABLY IS.

I should have known better. I have had the fortune to date some very attractive women in my past, but nothing like these two. I should have known something was awry. I thought maybe they were chubby chasers....are there women chubby chasers?


Now, I don't trust dating sites. I need to get out of the house....