BFL's Important Life Lessons

So, lets get off the beaten path for a bit. I'm going back to my blogging roots for this one, and make a satirical entry.

Let's talk about some things that I feel like everyone should know, but probably don't.

These items come from my personal experiences and miserable failures in life. So, have a laugh at my misfortunes, and maybe you can learn from them, because I NEVER DO.

Lesson 1: Dating Sites - BAD BAD Idea.

So, you are lonely. You never get out to meet new people. Maybe you think you are fat and ugly. Maybe you are socially awkward. Maybe all the above applies to you. For whatever reason, you are having a hard time meeting someone. There are lots of dating sites. They are convenient, and you can flirt in the nude, and not be a creep, because you are doing it from home. RIGHT? What's not to love about dating sites? EVERYTHING. PLEASE DON'T.

There are several types of people on dating sites. Let's not be too harsh to judge them, because you might be one, or are considering putting yourself on one, and you are perfectly normal, right? Whatever makes you sleep better tonight.

If you are a woman. Here is what you can expect. (I have heard first hand accounts of these situations from female friends)

PENIS. Lots of Penis. You will receive messages asking if you want to see one, you will get random pictures of them. Just...PENIS.

You will receive countless messages about the size of your breasts. Save yourself time...just put your bra size on your profile. Then, the guys will just go straight to asking you for pictures of them.

I know what you're thinking... "I'll just put on my profile that I'm not interested in pictures of penis, blah blah blah".

WON'T WORK. Know why? I'll tell you. The types of guys that are sending you those messages don't read your profile. EVER. They look at pictures, and message you....Another secret. I'm sorry, but just because a guy sends a picture, or asks for one doesn't mean you are actually attractive. It means they want to see tits. In fact, to be brutally honest...the less attractive you are, the more likely he is going to assume you have self esteem issues, and therefore more likely to give attention to someone that tells you that you are attractive.

Now that we've established that. Let's move on.


MEN: I hope you like kids. Because 90% of the women on there have them. Also, it is important to ask pre-emptive questions if you attempt to message a seemingly attractive normal woman without 8 children.

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
DO YOU HAVE A JOB?

If the answer to either of these questions are ANYTHING but yes, move on. Take my word for it. I have had women ask me to make down payments for cars, give them rides to work, pick up items and bring them to their homes, etc.

Don't fall into that trap. Of course she is attractive. She knows it, and she's using it to her advantage to get things from horny men. You might get lucky, there's always that. I wonder what she did for the guy that brought her to work yesterday? Or the guy that brought her sonic to work on her lunch break. Things to think about.

There are no normal people on dating sites. I only say that because the ratio of normal to freaks on these sites is incredibly low. There are a few unsuspecting normal people on there. You might get lucky and find them.

HOWEVER, be wary of telltale signs that they are hiding something. Profile pictures at weird angles. Chances are that's the only angle that they look normal in. If it's the same pose/angle over and over again, they are hiding something.

If they have very little information on their profile, they are hiding something. Ask lots of probing questions.

Here are some great questions to ask. I am speaking from experience. Each of these questions have merit. I have seen some things

Are you a prostitute? (see HERE for an example)
Are you a midget?
Do you have all your limbs?
Do you currently suffer from mental illness?
Are you actually a female?
How many times have you been married?
Are you currently married?
Is your ex husband crazy?
Do you have Demon Children?

Keeping ALL this in mind. If you have waded through the cesspool of the dating site and emerged with the unicorn that is a suitable person to date, then congratulations.

If you enjoy the search, and are convinced that none of these could possibly apply to you and you are determined to find your next soulmate on a website. I shed a tear for you.

The only hope you have is a paid site like eHarmony or match.com. People that are paying for the service are much more likely to use it for it's intended purpose.

That's all I have on that. I'll see you guys on PoF and OKC.

Lesson 2: Kidney Stones are real.

You could have one right now. I swear. I'm not kidding. You might not even know it. You will eventually know it if you have one of those sneaky bastards hanging out in your kidney.

I have 1. How do I know? Because I HAD 2. It's a great little story.

I was lying in bed a few weeks ago browsing dating sites (see what I did there? Haaaa) No really, I was browsing Reddit at about 1AM on Sunday morning. I had a weird little cramp in my back, so I kinda rolled over and readjusted, thinking I was just laying funny. It eased a little bit. I quickly got back to pictures of kittens and realized that the pain was coming back. I rolled over again. It felt like a spasm. I hadn't had a back spasm since I weighed like 400lbs, so I thought it odd, but I rolled over and started the cat stretch thingie to keep my back from cramping. It wasn't helping. It was at this point that I decided to get up and walk around. The pain starting to migrate and felt like gas pains.

I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet waiting to relieve pressure, but nothing came. Except pain. It literally felt like the pain was beginning to swell. I got up and went to the living room. At this point, the pain was intense, but not unbearable. It was at this moment that I felt something might be going on with me. The pain felt different. I had the kids so I kind of non nonchalantly called Mom and told her I might need to go to the ER and need her to come over. I told her I'd call her back if it got worse.

IT DID. Within 10 minutes, the pain was so unbearable I could barely speak, and I was sure that I was dying. I called mom and told her to get there now, I needed to go to the ER. After I hung up with her, I called Dad. I literally could not think straight at this point.

There was no position I could get into that would relieve the pain. All I could do was hyperventilate and roll around in the fetal position. My entire right side absolutely killed. It's a pain I'll not soon forget.

By the time I got to the hospital, I couldn't breathe. I was having a panic attack, and my balls felt like they were in a vise. That's not something they really explain well on any website when describing the symptoms of a stone. Trust me. You will feel it in your balls, and it is unrelenting.

By the time I got into triage, my lips, hands, and feet were numb. The nurse kept telling me to calm down and breathe. I was breathing, but just not properly I guess. My mind was literally in a fog of pain. Then I met my friend Dilaudid. Such a sweet kiss she had. Warmth followed by immediate pain relief. This all took place over the course of about 4 hours, about an hour and a half of that was unbearable pain.

The doctor explained that the stone was about 2mm in size and had just passed through the smallest part of my urinary tract, and I had another stone in the other kidney just waiting to drop. So, I get to do it all again. Maybe next week, maybe next year. NOBODY KNOWS. That little bastard is just sitting there in my kidney collecting particles of whatever and growing.

The Dr. sent me home with pain meds and a strainer to pee in. Also gave me medicine that dilates my urinary tract. He explained I still had to pass the stone and to pee into the strainer until I catch it. I was terrified for 2 days straight. If it hurt that bad passing through my upper tract, I could only imagine the pain it could inflict on my mini me.

One day I decided to literally do nothing but drink water all day, and hold my piss in until I felt like i was going to burst. I finally reached the point, and did my business in the strainer. A strange feeling washed over me as I felt my stream go from squirt gun to super soaker. I looked down when I was finished and saw A SPECK. I do mean....a SPECK in my strainer. I put my strainer in the sink and rinsed it out, and literally thought "that must have fallen off my zipper or something. I picked it up and it felt gritty like a piece of sand or dirt. I snapped a pic and sent it to my Dad to ask if it was the stone. He confirmed it was, and I was in shock. It was tiny and unassuming, and caused the single most painful experience of my life.

And I get to do it again sometime in the unknown future.

Here is the source of all the pain....

AWWW LOOK HOW CUTE

OK, so there were only 2 lessons.

Mainly, I'm just tired of typing at this point. Maybe this can be a thing. Whenever terrible things happen, I can post them so you won't make the same mistakes!

I hope you enjoyed!