A New Start...**Freshness Guarantee** (except walking corpses)

     Well, for me, Christmas is over. The meals have been eaten, the presents have all been opened, and I'm ready to take a nap. I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. I had both children today, and if you want to see pictures, I have made my Personal Christmas album on FB public.

Click Me For Pictures.

     Everyone always makes New Years Resolutions, and speaks of how its a new start. Then, by March, they have fallen right back into the same old routine (at least most of the time). The new kind of wears off, and they want to get back to whatever they consider normal. This year, I really don't have a choice. I have been thrust into a new start. I am not going to make any specific New Years resolution this year. I'm just going to enjoy my year. I believe that I paid my dues in 2011 and 2012 is going to be a good year for me.
     I have a lot of things to look forward to. Weight loss surgery, my children, making new friends, a bright future at FedEx, and lets not forget dating. I am out of practice, but I have a feeling that this will come natural if I find someone that meshes well with me. I can be a pain in the ass to get along with, and I tend to grow tired of people easily. However, there have been a few women in the past that grab and keep my attention through the years. I have faith that one will find me this year.
    I really have an opportunity to flip my life around and steer it in the right direction this year. I just have to play my cards right, and make sound decisions (easier said than done).

Now, onto the more pressing matter of the Zombie Apocalypse that is nigh. In fact some of us have less than a year left on this planet. I however, will be one of the survivors, because I am prepared. I have my Zombie Readiness Kit prepared, do you?

There are two types of survival kits.

The Pacifist (hides and waits)

The Aggressor (think brain matter)

     Which are you? Personally, I like the hide and wait method. Mainly because I'm fat and slow. I guess it would also depend on what type of Zombies we have. If we have like 28 Days/Weeks Later Zombies, then I am all about staying indoors and barricading myself up with some Spam and puzzles. If you have a Dawn of the Dead Lurcher type Zombie, it would be fun to screw around with them. They are slow, and the probably couldn't catch me.

     I know the Mayans didn't specify Zombies for 12/21/12, but I can read between the lines. Trust me, it will be Zombies. I have done extensive research on the Mayan Code (similar to the Da Vinci code). Its all very hard to understand, so I wont bother explaining. It took many late nights and many episodes of Legends of the Hidden Temple to figure it out.

Anyhoo, 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

(enjoy what little time you have left)

  

Santa is real, and my landlord is a douchebag....

IDIOT EDIT: I uploaded the correct video now.....

I received a special message from Santa. I didn't think he was real, but this evidence is overwhelming. I'm a believer. He even knew my name!

Now, if only he delivers the $1,000,000 in unmarked bills I asked for. I won't kill his elf.

(if you want to make your own video, you can do so HERE.) They are free to make and view online, and you can purchase an HD download for $7

So, on another note, let me rant.

My ex landlord has really turned out to be a total douchebag. Now, normally I try not to talk down to people, but he deserves it, and it will make me feel better.
     When Amanda and I decided to split, I called him up and told him the situation, and explained that we would need to break the lease. He explained that if we left the house in satisfactory condition, he would just keep the security deposit, and call it even Steven as long as we were out by the 15th. It sounded good to me, but I had very little to move. In fact, the only thing I took was Xander's things, my recliner, and the majority of the electronics. Amanda had a hard time getting ahold of a truck so it was the 15th and she was finishing up moving. I called the landlord and asked for an extra day to clean the house, and he said NO. I have real estate people coming to look at the house. At this point, I was like "well, its his fault".
     A few days later he calls me and tells me the house is gross, and there is trash out in the storage area, and we didn't take the can out to the end of the driveway for pickup. He also complained that we didn't give him back all his keys, and said that the attorneys that handle the trust are looking into their options "legally". I explained that he had the chance to let us clean, and that we gave him all the keys we had, but he insisted. He said he was going to have to replace all the locks in the house, and hire a cleanup crew to haul off what was left in storage. I explained that I would be happy to accommodate by cleaning out storage, and Amanda would be happy to handle the interior of the house if he would allow to get the keys.
     So, I cleaned out the storage building spotless, and Amanda worked for 2 days cleaning the inside of the house. She scrubbed baseboards, windowsills, floors, toilets, shower, tubs...you name it. I then get another text from him today claiming that he can't tell anything had been done to the house.
     I explained to him that I felt like he was being difficult and looking for something to complain about. I decided to fight fire with fire since he is trying to sell the house. I kindly explained to him that he would have a difficult time selling the house due to the black mold in it. I explained that we had every right to move out because it was a health hazard. I told him I was done dealing with him, we no longer had business. I never heard back from him. Not sure if its a good sign or not.

   
It will be interesting if he takes us to court, especially since we only had 2 months left in our agreement. Some people are just out to make an extra dollar. Never mind that we always did good by him. We repainted door facings, replaced bathroom fixtures, the mailbox, bathroom molding, and never asked a thing in return, except to fix the plumbing in the bathroom so it didn't constantly smell like poo.

Christmas is upon us, and all my shopping is done, and I am broke as hell. I did something very special for my father this year, and I just know he is going to love it. I wish I could spill the beans now, but he typically reads  my blog, so it would spoil it. I certainly hope that everyone has a wonderful Christmas, and I am going to try my damnedest to have a happy Christmas this year. At least I don't have anyone to nag at me all day this year. I think this is the first year I have ever been single for Christmas (that I can think of). I'm going to enjoy my children and go at my own pace.

Warmest Holiday Wishes from Big FAT Loser!

(Get it "warm wishes"....Santa is on fire) 

I kill myself sometimes.

Growing into my own....

     It still hasn't been all that long since the split from my wife, but I can already start to feel that things are headed in the right direction for me. I have been told that my attitude is better, and I am happier. I have been told this by at least 3 different people. I can only assume it's because I no longer have the stress of trying to keep a failing marriage together. The sad thing is that I didn't realize I was being such a douchebag to everyone. It's like I was taking out my frustrations on everyone outside the home, and saving my joy joy feelings for Amanda when I got home. Now, I can concentrate on being a good friend, and coworker, and treating myself good. I do feel happy now. Not only do I feel it, but others see it, and I'm slowly gaining my confidence again.
     Either way, this is eye opening, it lets me know that maybe I am headed in the right direction. I will admit, that  moving from a marriage to even consider dating is intimidating. It's hard to lose the mindset of being married. I'll definitely do my best though. Luckily, I have my sense of humor going for me, and there are a small number of women that find that attractive.
     I am still waiting to hear word from the hospital on my application for charity surgery. Bariatric Surgery is considered globally as an elective surgery, and the charity program does not cover elective surgeries. However, in my case, it is considered a medical necessity due to other illnesses, and if I don't get the surgery, the other illnesses will only continue to get worse. If they do approve me, I will be the first to get approved for a bariatric procedure under the charity program, which could be a big deal. If this doesn't go through, maybe I should contact A&E and see if they are still casting for "Heavy" lol. I don't know what else to do. I certainly cannot afford the surgery, especially now that I'm separated, and only have my meager income to deal with. Although I tend to show some personality through my writing, I'm not sure I would be a great presence on the small screen. I would be very awkward. I'll just stick with writing for now.
     The blog is still getting a lot of traffic, but for some reason, I'm not seeing an increase in subscribers. I would like to ask that if you are a regular reader, you would please follow or subscribe to my blog.

Christmas is coming up, and I hope that everyone enjoys their holidays with their families. I'm not exactly sure whats going on yet on my end, but I'm sure I will have plenty to keep me busy.

If I don't see you guys again...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

A Big Thanks to Sherry Leak!

Thanks to Sherry Leak for making the new caricature for the banner. Luckily Amanda is still nice enough to create me a new banner since she is the photoshop wiz. I just work on electronics!

Anyhow, if you like the caricature, you can get them done HERE. She is quick, and responds to emails immediately. It was a pleasure working with her, and she is a talented artist. Keep your eyes peeled for the new banner!!!

"Just let go....You'll be OK"

     We have all either heard this or said it ourselves. It's where we turn to when we really don't know what to tell a friend or family member to help them feel better. It's an innocuous statement, and we know that eventually it will be ok, but in the meantime, we don't want to wait for it.

     This has definitely been the roughest separation I have had the displeasure of dealing with. I think I can confidently speak for both Amanda and myself when I say that. It's not necessarily that we don't love each other. We certainly do, despite some very hurtful things we have said and done to each other. Neither one of us are innocent in this mess, and we understand that. 

     Its difficult though, even though you know your wife has fallen out of love with you, to simply let go. If I didn't have a wonderful family with her, I could let her go easily. However, I feel like I can't have Gracie without Amanda. I don't mean that I can't take care of Gracie when I say that. I simply mean that, to me, they are a pair. They go together.  They are my baby girls. 

     The simple truth is that when I was going through my difficult times, I didn't treat Amanda like a woman deserves to be treated. I never once physically or verbally abused her, so it wasn't that type of maltreatment. I simply wasn't there for her emotionally. I shut off and became self absorbed. I "slept" as Ben Folds would eloquently put it in his song "Narcolepsy"

I should warn you
I go to sleep
I know you don't
Know what i mean
Yet
I get upset or happy
I go to sleep
You won't know when
I go to sleep
Cause I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I know it seems that I don't care
But something in me does I Swear
I don't remember all last year
I left you awake to cry the tears
While i was dreaming
Ohhhhhhh
I'm drowning
Save Me
Wake Me Up
I should warn you
I go to sleep
Nothing hurts when I go to sleep
Cause I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired

I just sleep...

     I think this is what happened to me, and now it's too late to fix it. We have caused each other so much pain and hurt over the past month, I don't think we can ever recover. Amanda is moving on, and I am too. We are moving on in more ways than one. Not only will we continue through this life looking for happiness without each other, but its time to hit the reset button and start over again. Amanda started that process without me unfortunately, but I'm paddling hard beneath the water to catch up with her.
     I have my surgery and children to worry about. Maybe this is for the best.

   With that being said, I want to say that You 2 are still my girls. You will always have a special place in my heart, but I'm not going to continue to struggle if you are ready to move on.
     A lot of my family don't understand why I put this out in the public like this. They believe that its inappropriate, but this is why I started the blog. Its like having a journal that talks back to me. A journal that listens, and learns as it reads my mistakes and successes.
I wish Amanda the best of luck on finding herself again, and finding whatever else it is she is looking for in life right now, and I will do the same. In the meantime, I will continue to blog, and we have a big weight loss journey in front of us after we have this surgery.
 


   Guys that may be reading this...remember, that if you are miserable, you're wife probably is too. No matter how bad things get, you have to remember the other people in your life, and make sure you give them love and affection. I learn from my mistakes, you should too.

Life's a trip....

    So, it is with a very heavy heart that I am announcing a separation and impeding divorce from my wife of 3 years. Things simply aren't working. When I hit my lowest point of my depression, it was simply too much for her to handle. The sad thing is, she says she doesn't want counselling. That hurt more than anything I think.
     Naturally things have been bumpy for us recently, and I'm ashamed to say that some foul exchanges have been made between me and Amanda and My family and Amanda. Facebook can be a real bitch. I post cryptic messages on there because I know that the people I'm close to will know what I'm talking about. However, its obviously a mistake, because it opened the door for all sorts of rude comments from both sides of the fence.
     I think what pisses me off the most is the fact that this wasn't my choice. Therefore, I still love Amanda dearly, and it hurts to see family talk badly about her. At the end of the day, this is my marriage, and my divorce. I appreciate my family's support, but sometimes it can be too much to handle. I know they are looking out for me, but it hurts to see them speak ill of Amanda.
     It is going to be a long process, and I'm currently in need of an apt and or a room mate. I'm trying to be out of the house by the middle of the month, but there is nothing to rent in town!

     The bariatric seminar went well. I am waiting on a phone call from Dr Jones, and an answer on my charity request (which my father is checking on tomorrow). It really is a great program, and if I'm approved, it will give me a new lease on life. Baptist Memorial Hospital is a great one.

     I cant wait for a call from the surgeon!!!!