"Just let go....You'll be OK"

     We have all either heard this or said it ourselves. It's where we turn to when we really don't know what to tell a friend or family member to help them feel better. It's an innocuous statement, and we know that eventually it will be ok, but in the meantime, we don't want to wait for it.

     This has definitely been the roughest separation I have had the displeasure of dealing with. I think I can confidently speak for both Amanda and myself when I say that. It's not necessarily that we don't love each other. We certainly do, despite some very hurtful things we have said and done to each other. Neither one of us are innocent in this mess, and we understand that. 

     Its difficult though, even though you know your wife has fallen out of love with you, to simply let go. If I didn't have a wonderful family with her, I could let her go easily. However, I feel like I can't have Gracie without Amanda. I don't mean that I can't take care of Gracie when I say that. I simply mean that, to me, they are a pair. They go together.  They are my baby girls. 

     The simple truth is that when I was going through my difficult times, I didn't treat Amanda like a woman deserves to be treated. I never once physically or verbally abused her, so it wasn't that type of maltreatment. I simply wasn't there for her emotionally. I shut off and became self absorbed. I "slept" as Ben Folds would eloquently put it in his song "Narcolepsy"

I should warn you
I go to sleep
I know you don't
Know what i mean
Yet
I get upset or happy
I go to sleep
You won't know when
I go to sleep
Cause I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I know it seems that I don't care
But something in me does I Swear
I don't remember all last year
I left you awake to cry the tears
While i was dreaming
Ohhhhhhh
I'm drowning
Save Me
Wake Me Up
I should warn you
I go to sleep
Nothing hurts when I go to sleep
Cause I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired
I'm not tired

I just sleep...

     I think this is what happened to me, and now it's too late to fix it. We have caused each other so much pain and hurt over the past month, I don't think we can ever recover. Amanda is moving on, and I am too. We are moving on in more ways than one. Not only will we continue through this life looking for happiness without each other, but its time to hit the reset button and start over again. Amanda started that process without me unfortunately, but I'm paddling hard beneath the water to catch up with her.
     I have my surgery and children to worry about. Maybe this is for the best.

   With that being said, I want to say that You 2 are still my girls. You will always have a special place in my heart, but I'm not going to continue to struggle if you are ready to move on.
     A lot of my family don't understand why I put this out in the public like this. They believe that its inappropriate, but this is why I started the blog. Its like having a journal that talks back to me. A journal that listens, and learns as it reads my mistakes and successes.
I wish Amanda the best of luck on finding herself again, and finding whatever else it is she is looking for in life right now, and I will do the same. In the meantime, I will continue to blog, and we have a big weight loss journey in front of us after we have this surgery.
 


   Guys that may be reading this...remember, that if you are miserable, you're wife probably is too. No matter how bad things get, you have to remember the other people in your life, and make sure you give them love and affection. I learn from my mistakes, you should too.