Now Open for business....

Hey BFL Fans,
Before I get into today's post, I just want to take a moment again to say thanks! This blog has really turned into to something that I had only hoped for. I am getting great feedback from my readers! Don't forget to follow the blog to get notified by email when I make new posts!

   Moving on.... I decided last night to just not take my klonopin. I have been taking 1mg per day, and I thought it would be safe to go ahead drop it cold turkey. At about 11PM last night, my neck started itching, and it continually got worse. I woke up this morning with hives! I googled it, and of course, hives is a side effect of klonopin withdrawal. Turns out, I need to step down .25 mg at a time over the next couple weeks. I should of read up before I quit all willy nilly.
   I finally heard back from the unemployment office today and my very VERY meager unemployment benefits have finally been approved. I was happy to hear that considering I couldn't even get even so much as a return call from the Jonesboro Workforce. I should have a direct deposit by tomorrow!
   I went to Lowes today, and I picked up a new mailbox. I got one of the cool plastic ones with a front and back door. So, now I wont have to risk my life to check the mail. I really lucked out on the installation, because it turns out, it only needed about 2 feet of post. So, I got to saw off most of the broken post. It was a hassle to install, and started raining on me.  While I was at Lowes I decided to pick up a new palm tree since a dog chewed up our last one. It is just a stump is a nice planter inside our house, and it was very ugly. So Ill try to plant our new palm tomorrow. Here is the final product of my work today.

   I have decided to go ahead and move forward with doing youtube "Vlogging" or video blogging. I will still do these traditional posts, but I think that youtube videos will personalize this thing a little more. The only issue right now is that my EVO does not sync the audio right when  recording videos. I would really love to get my hands on a Flip HD. It may be something that will have to wait until next month (my birthday). At any rate, I sure hope you guys will follow me over to youtube. I think it will be a lot of fun!
   Thats all I got for today.

When I stepped on the scale, it said "TILT"....

   Ok....not really, but I halfway expected it. I must have missed the scale last time I went. It was probably because I was distracted by the garmentless geezer. However, I decided to go ahead and weigh in since I really just started the diet thing. This is what I saw.

   Its about as I figured. This is the part where Im not suppose to tell you that I just ate, or hadn't had a BM, or some other excuse. I'm just going to take it as it is. Its a horrible truth, but hey....this is why I started this blog in the first place, right?
   I guess it was the lack of junk food or the increase in fluids that gave me the second wind that made me decide (mid-halo, mind you)  to make a 10:00PM trip to the gym. Whatever the reason, I took the motivation and ran with it. I put The Kooks on and pumped myself up on the way to the gym.
   I decided to do the recumbent bike again thinking it would be the easiest on the knees and hips. This time I had the know how to actually start the machine and set a customized workout. It asked me my weight....I pressed the up button and held it.....after about 10 seconds I glanced over my shoulder to make sure no one was staring at it with this OH MY GOD look on their face. I turn back, and its at 300....I was thinking this would be so much better if it actually let me use the number pad instead of holding the "Up" button for 10 minutes. Then it asks my age, and then starts me off on like a level one resistance, which felt like I pedaling air. I hate that feeling. Its like being in first gear on a 10-speed bike. I set a base level of 6 resistance, and started feeling the burn almost immediately. The timer was set at 25:00 workout with 5:00 cool down. I had literally just had a huge glass of water before leaving the house so it felt like a wave pool in my stomach.
   The first 15 minutes went relatively quickly, then the bike beeped and said "Now increasing resistance to 8".  
Thats when time really started to creep. Thank God Conan was on, because he helped me push through it.
When it was all said and done.....I had gone over 7 miles! I was very proud. The workout summary said I had an average heart rate of 146 with a high of 160. I still haven't checked to see whats good. So hopefully I wasn't borderline heart attack.

   This time, I tried to play it cool as I got off the bike, because last time I almost face planted. I pretended to be looking at my phone as if to read an email or text while I waited for the "Jello Legs" to calm down a bit. That, and my ass was numb. I slowly jive walked to the locker room, making sure to do the obligatory James Bond peek around the corner.
   I came home, and I feel pretty good right now. It was almost like taking an upper. It gave me a little burst of happy. I can see why people who make a habit of exercising really enjoy it. I'm sure I'm going to be sore tomorrow, but I feel like this was a leap in the right direction.

   I just need to keep it going, keep it going, keep it going full steam...to sweet to be sour, to nice to be mean! (Sorry, I couldn't resist....its the Beastie Boys)
 

A good start...

   Well, the day is about half over, and I'm still alive. I had an early morning appt today, and it was so tempting to stop by Hardees and get a monster biscuit and hash browns which would have accounted for 1380 calories and 94 grams of fat. Instead, I went to Subway and got the Western Flatbread (egg white). And saved myself 1000 calories, and 85 grams of fat! That doesn't even include the large Mellow Yellow I would have bought at Hardees. Which reminds me....The caffeine withdrawals have begun. My head is killing me, and I feel sluggish. Hopefully that will pass in the next day or so.
   We desperately need groceries, but I don't get paid until Thursday so I'll have to get creative to eat healthy at home. Its hard when there are still frozen burritos, and pizzas in the freezer. Its so tempting! I think there are still some chicken breasts and tilapia buried under the junk food somewhere. I'll have a look in a little while. So far today, I'm up to 7 cups of water, but I plan to double that before bedtime. I'm working on 24 oz of Green tea right now. I'm in major flush mode for the next couple of days.
   I slept well last night, and I did it without the use of medicines. I did take an anti histamine and decongestant last night, but they were supposedly non-drowsy. I don't want to get to the point that I have to depend on drugs to sleep well. I have had no Klonopins so far today, but Ill need to take at least 1mg at some point to avoid withdrawals. This is down from 2 mg. My back is feeling somewhat better, so I have managed to deal with the pain without use of pain relievers or muscle relaxers. However, if this headache continues to worsen, ill be taking some migraine medicine that has just a pinch of caffeine in it.
   You really don't realize the amount of crap you put into your body until you start thinking about it every time before you consume something. If I would have been keeping a food diary before this whole blog deal, my dad probably would have literally kicked my ass if he saw it. Its embarrassing.
   I got to admit, it felt kind of nice getting up early this morning, I think I feel better having gotten up than I would have if I had slept in until 11 as usual. I need to try to make it a point to be out of bed by 9 or 10 at the latest. This is considering that I keep my late hours as I have been doing since the lay off. I have always been somewhat of a night owl, and I prefer the sleeping hours of 2AM-11AM. I'm not exactly sure if thats unhealthy or not. I guess as long as its a regular sleeping pattern and I am getting my 8 hours, it should suffice, right?
   I've rambled on enough for now. I have been doing school work all day and I'm thinking I may have some leisure time now. Don't forget to check out my food diary! I have an app for my android, so I am putting EVERYTHING in my diary that I consume. Hopefully by tomorrow I will be able to log in some exercises with my food diary. I just don't want to re-injure myself.

Clean as a whistle.....eventually

 So, everyone has their vices. I think we can all agree to that. As some of you know, and some may not, one of my vices is putting bad things into my body. Now, Im not talking about hard drugs....Im talking about, first and foremost, liquor. To add to that, Energy Drinks, fast foods, candy, refined foods...etc.
  Starting here and now, I am making a promise to myself, my family, and my readers, that none of these things will enter my body again. I know you are wondering how do you know I will be honest about it....well, I have turned over administrative rights to the blog, to my wife. Meaning, that she can post, and edit posts. If she catches me cheating, she will post it on my blog for the whole world to see, in a most embarrassing way.
   I cannot even begin to hope to get healthy without first detoxing my body. This means there will be alot of green tea, and water in my future over the next week. Lots of fiber as well. I will be posting a link to a personal food diary that all my readers will have access to. I will include in this diary EVERYTHING that I consume, down to the last ounce of water.
   The first step is, of course, liquor, and foods. Then eventually, I will wean off of Klonopin. Klonopin is a benzodiazapine and cannot be stopped cold turkey as it can lead to seizures. The only chemical that I will put into my body will be Paxil, which is my anti-depressant. Klonopin will be taken on an AS NEEDED basis only. Meaning times of extreme anxiety.
Here are the items that I will immediately eliminate from my diet.

• Alcohol
• Caffeine
• Chocolate
• Juices (unless they are fresh)
• Soft Drinks
• Processed Meats
• Excess Salt
• Shellfish
• Beef
• Fast Foods

   I cannot hope to get healthier unless I first detox. Since I am still not in the position to exercise due to my back (although i should be back in the gym within a couple of days), this is something I can do to get the ball rolling until I can hit the gym again. 

   Now, as Amanda will likely be happy to tell you, this isnt the first time I have said no more energy drinks and alcohol, and I have eaten those words numerous times. However, this blog gives me a kind of exposure. Its not just me saying I'm going to quit, its putting it into action and getting the readers behind me. Also, the fear of embarrassment if I get caught with my hand in the cookie jar. Amanda has promised to keep a hawk's eye on me to make sure I don't cheat. 

  This will also take a bit of a commitment from my friends and family with whom I regularly drink, or go out to eat with. No more invitations to eat out, or to have a few beers. Ill come back in a little while and post a link to my food and exercise diary. 


****UPDATE**** I have added a linky to my Food Diary in the top right corner under the BFL Banner. I will start updating it immediately

Ill never miss another dose!

   Well, yesterday was horrible. I barely found the will to breathe. After some thinking and research, I think all my symptoms were due to my missing a dose of Paxil. I did end up taking 1 klonopin yesterday, and last night I slept like a rock. Of course I was up first thing this morning with Gracie, so Im still a little tired, but I'll get a nap in when Amanda gets up. Ill just have to NOT forget my paxil again.
   Im thinking at my current rate, I will back at the gym by mid week. My back is still a little sore, but not nearly as bad. I was trying to think of some exercises that would be low impact on my hips. You would think that the recumbent bike would be ideal, but apparently not! My gym doesn't have a swimming pool, so thats out.
 I still have not received a decision on my unemployment benefits. I don't understand what the problem is! They say there is a hang up due to my severance pay, but that makes no sense. I haven't even started receiving severance yet, and when I call the local office to tell them that, they just sit there like a dumbass and dont give me an answer. I guess I'll have to go up there tomorrow.
Today is just going to be a day for rest and recovery. Im feeling like myself today, and I just want to enjoy a restful day.

Sick of being sick.....

I had a horrible night last night. I ended up in bed at about 2AM. I completely drenched the sheets in sweat. I had night sweats all night long, I tossed and turned, and kept getting twitches in my legs. I can only assume that its all the prescriptions Im on right now. I was already on Paxil and Klonopin (for depression and anxiety), then the doc prescribed me Tylox, Flexeril, and some type of Steroid for my back. My back is still hurting, but I am going to try not to take ANYTHING today except the Paxil. Im not sure if I've been on Klonopin long enough to experience withdrawal, but I've heard that it causes terrible withdrawal. I think if i experience any symptoms I'll just take .5 mg  to see if it helps the withdrawal symptoms. Im really tired of being in a cloud all the time because of meds. Sometimes I look at how I feel now Vs how i felt when I went to the doc for the anxiety and depression. I honestly don't remember being this miserable before. The anxiety is what kills me. It turns me into a crazy person. If I have an ailment such as the leg twitching from last night, or the night sweating, I google it. Then before you know it I'm convinced that I have MS or ALS or some horrible disease. I know it probably sounds goofy to someone who doesn't suffer from anxiety, but its a real problem for me. Any time I have an issue or something odd with my body, i google it. No matter how hard I try to resist, I cant.
   At any rate...Im going to try to NOT take anything but Paxil today and see what happens. Ill report back here with any news. I hope all goes well....

Not every day can be interesting....

Well, in keeping with my promise, I am trying to update my blog at least on a daily basis. Of course, I never said I could be interesting in every post. I have Xander with me until Sunday, so once I got up this morning, I made Xander help me load up some old cardboard boxes to take to the landfill. We decided to return a couple of items to Big Lots, then decided to get a bite to eat. We didn't realize until it was too late that the landfill closes at 4PM. I stopped by Lowes to look at some replacement mailboxes, but they were very expensive. Im not going to buy a new mailbox for a rental home. Ill leave that up to my landlord.
   My back is still hurting me. I guess I'm going to go ahead and suck it up and go to the chiro Tuesday. I have got to get back into the gym. Its like im wasting money and time by not going to the gym. I will get back in there by next week, I promise!
   As bad as I hated to do it, I went ahead and added a donation button for funds to go towards lap band surgery. I normally hate asking for handouts, but since I am currently unemployed, I don't have a choice. Of course no one is obligated.
 Speaking of unemployment, mine still has not been approved because of the severance pay, so Im tripping out over money right now, but who isnt? If any of my readers know of any part time jobs, please let me know. I just need something working about 10-15 hours a week. Something to just kind of supplement my income.
As stated before, I dont really have anything interesting to talk about today, but I wanted to do my daily update.

I do want to say that I am very happy with the amount of traffic and support I have received on this blog. Its still in its infancy, but if recent activity is any indicator, we could be in for a long and interesting ride. Stay tuned!

Lap Band....Best Option? or Lazy?

   You know, with the back problems I've been having lately, it makes me wonder exactly how big of a challenge its going to be to lose this weight. I'm not throwing in the towel or anything, it just kind of makes me wonder about other options. I have known people that have done the lap band with great success, and I would really like to consider getting it done. I know its very controversial, and it sounds like I would be taking the easy way out. I really wonder if its possible to reach a point with your body weight if lap band really is the best option.
   I do have a couple of concerns though, mostly monetary in nature. I am newly unemployed, but I will have insurance for 2 more months. Even then, the insurance won't cover the entire cost of the surgery, so I would be responsible for the difference. Im curious how much out of pocket it would be and if the hospital would allow a payment plan.
   When I think about how much it could change my life it really makes me want it. Don't tell yourself that Im trying to be lazy about it. Lap band is no cake walk. It is miserable. Believe, I have friends that have had it done. I really think I would have alot of support from my family as well.
   Im curious, what do you guys think? Depending on how much it costs, I may add a donation button to my blog. Im not typically one to ask for handouts, but I wonder if its worth it at this point. I could still blog daily about the lap band, so I can keep my blog.

Mail Call!

   I missed my blog yesterday, mostly because I've been in a drug induced stupor for 2 days trying to let my back heal. The meds mostly just make me sleepy, and VERY slow. They do help my back, but I'm tired of being high all day. Not to mention the muscle relaxers make my mouth dry, and it tastes like a cat shit in my mouth. It does not matter how many times I brush my teeth.
  Then yesterday Amanda asked if I had seen the mail box, and when I went outside, I found this.

Some douchebag apparently hit my mailbox. It was just barely attached and hanging backwards, and when I attempted to turn it around, it fell off and landed on my next to last toe, and knocked off about half of my toenail. You talk about painful! Luckily I was already on pain meds for my back, so it didn't hurt as bad as it could have. My toe is looking pretty gross this morning, but I'll spare you from any pictures.
   It sucks because I'm expecting a letter from the unemployment office regarding my approval for benefits. It was going to be an issue because of my severance pay, so I still don't know when to expect my first check. I just got off of the phone with the Post office, and the driver is going to hand deliver my mail today, but I am going to have to get a hold put on it until I can get the box fixed. The problem is that the wooden post is buried up in the sidewalk, so what the hell am I suppose to do?? I just left a message for the landlord.
   I was playing Halo with Xander last night, and he sucked so bad, that Bungie thought I had my guest signed in and was AFK and banned me from earning credits! Of course I pitched a fit with Bungie, but it didn't make a damn bit of difference. Its sad that you cant even play Halo online unless you can get kills. Not sure how long the ban is going to last.
   Im not entirely sure what the family has planned for today, probably nothing...my back is still hurting, but I can tell a difference in how it feels. I feel bad because I haven't been to the gym, but I have been really watching my portions.
   We have Xander until Sunday, so its going to be nice to spend some extra time with him. Its just too bad that I dont have the cash to do anything interesting with him. We may try to go visit some family....Ill update you guys later.

Paging Dr. Golden....

   I just got back from the Dr...I went for my back and my thumb. He couldn't tell me exactly why my thumb was swollen, but was able to tell me it was nothing to worry about. When I first went in, my blood pressure was 148/100. I about had a stroke when they told me (no pun intended). The nurses told me it was very high, and I couldn't figure out why, because I dont typically have high BP. Then I happened to remember that I chugged an Amp Energy drink (sugar free/diet). Doc said that mixed with the lower back pain caused the high blood pressure. I gotta stop drinking those things. I don't drink them as often anymore, but I guess I need to stop all together.
   The doc said that the back injury was actually a hip injury, likely caused by excessive use of the recumbent bike from Friday....ahhhh sweet irony. I finally get off my ass and go to the gym, and I hurt myself so I cant go back for a while. He suggested swimming, but we have no nice places to swim in town, so I guess ill just try to hold off. He prescribed me Flexoril for muscle spasms, Tylox for pain, and some anti inflammatory which he says will likely help my thumb. He said to take 2 flexoril because of my size, and I took a stab at him. I accused him of calling me fat, and he immediately got defensive. I can never miss an opportunity to make someone feel awkward. Especially when its a professional like Dr. Golden. I told him I was kidding, and he seemed to be at least slightly amused. At any rate, I thought it was funny.
   I feel like when I see Golden, he actually takes the time to personalize the experience and answer my questions. Its almost as if he takes a personal interest. I know he likely doesn't but it says something about a doctor when you can leave the office and feel that way. I hate to be mean, but I honestly never realized just how bad of a Doctor that I was seeing before. I wont mention his name, but I will say that he works at NEA Clinic on Hilltop.
   I guess for now, I will just continue to play Halo: Reach, which come to think of it, is probably the cause of the thumb injury. :-)

P.S. If anyone wants to play Reach with me, my GamerTag is The Dreddge. I pwn n00bs. Just kidding....

Just call me Tom Thumb..

The last thing I remember doing last night before my thumb swelled to twice its size was having a margarita with Amanda. At first I thought it may have been all the salt, but it is continuing to get worse. What the hell!

Its my right thumb and its huge, and painful. I can barely bend it. I decided to go ahead and go to the Dr. since I still haven't gone about my back (which is also still hurting). So, I suppose I can knock out 2 birds with 1 stone. I feel totally guilty because I haven't gone to the gym because my back. I feel like Im not following through even though I know I cant help it. Lauren (sister in law) is going to stay the night with us tonight, so im going to pick her up in a little while, and she is going to the Doc with me. The good news is that Mom and Terry are going to Florida, and they are taking the Santa Fe, so they asked me to car sit her convertible. I anxiously agreed to do so as long as they left me keys...so Ill be cruising around in an Spyder Convertible until Tuesday. Although I had a very lucid dream last night that I screwed up her top on it. Hopefully that wont happen.

Well, thats all for now. Ill try to report back this afternoon after the doctors visit to let you know what he told me. Once I get better, I have got to get my ass to the gym!

I need my own Jillian Michaels....

You know, its weird....I have heard it said that when people retire they are busier than when they worked. I can see now after being unemployed for a week that this statement holds true. I literally have to stop and think about it to figure out which day of the week it is. I have managed to stay relatively busy, which means, I've been spending money. I have decided that this week, I'm only getting out when absolutely necessary. I have really got to learn to change my spending habits now that we are both unemployed.
We are going shopping tomorrow, and I will be buying my "diet food". So far this week I've just been doing the portion thing. I was suppose to go to the gym yesterday, but my back is still down. Its still sore, but its slowly recovering. I definitely don't want to do anything to re-injure it. I promise its not an excuse. I am starting to feel unmotivated, so I need to work on that. I have really got to follow through this time on losing weight. I need to do it for my family. Xander is growing up so fast, and I feel like I miss a lot because, honestly, I cant keep up with him. I want to be able to get out and run around with him without feeling like I may kill over any minute. I know within a blink of an eye Gracie is going be that age too. Of course, she wont be playing football and all that, but I need to be in shape for my family. I need friends to go to the gym with me. It sounds so juvenile, but I need someone to push me....too bad I cant afford Jillian Michaels. Although, sometimes she scares the shit out of me. I'm pretty sure she could make me cry if she looked at me the wrong way.
Im not sure what I have planned today, but I need to do something productive, and I need to do it without spending money. I need to try to put together a diet plan, but I dont know where to even start. I guess Ill google it. Its tough, because there are literally 1,000 diets to choose from, and every one claims to be the best. There has GOT to be an easier way.

Socks of DOOOOOOOM!!!!

So much for my plans to go to the gym this evening. I was getting ready for a family dinner at Larry's house. I bent over to get a pair of socks from my drawer and CRACK! It felt like someone smacked me in the lower back with a baseball bat. I think its actually my hips, but it KILLS. I can barely walk. Its mainly felt on my right side, but its miserable. I cant find a comfortable position. I just took some anaprox and now I'm going to play halo for a while tonight, and pray to god that it gets better over night. You can never tell with back pain if its going to get better or worse after sleep. If Amanda would have fetched my socks like a good wife, this would have never happened! (Just kidding baby, don't murder me in my sleep)
Anyhow, nothing major to report, I just wanted to make my excuses know for playing hookey from the gym.
I guess Ill go see Dr. Golden on Monday if my back is still hurting.

Burning the candle at both ends...

Amanda and I got out last night and went to Jonathans house. I was in one of my moods where I felt like I just didn't want to go home yet. I asked Amanda if I could go to my sisters house and spend some time (this was at like 11PM) She said she didn't mind, so I went over and watched a movie and talked. I ended up getting home and getting in bed at about 3AM. I dont understand why, but I just feel the need to be on the go constantly. Of course I woke up this morning feeling like complete crap. Its almost like I dread going to bed. I can only assume that its because I have had so much trouble sleeping lately. I think Im going to sit the Klonopin aside for the day today. It scares me to take it everyday, because the withdrawal can be bad if you take them every day. I hope I start feeling better later, because we are suppose to go to Larry's house tonight, and right now, I dont feel like doing much of anything. I woke up depressed this morning, most likely because I didn't sleep enough. I think once Amanda gets up, Ill lay back down. I think it may also have something to do with me not working. It feels weird not having anything to do with myself. I need to find a part time job pretty quick.....
Sorry that my blog is kind of a downer today. Ill try to post again later on a little lighter note.

WHOA! That was a penis......

I think its safe to assume that I dont frequent the local gyms often. However, I was not expecting to immediately walk into the locker room and see an old wrinkly penis with a huge gray bush. Im not an unreasonable person. I understand that people have to change out of their nasty workout clothes, but I would at least have the decency to point my junk towards a wall or something so that innocent passers by dont see the goods. I tried not to show my surprise as I put my stuff in the locker and ran out to let him finish getting dressed. However, Im sure that my facial expression said it all. I put all my stuff in the locker and went up front to see the desk clerk.
He asked me what size Fitness 10 shirt I wanted...I was like "oh cool!" a free shirt. I asked for a 4XL and he looks at me and says "We only have up to a 3X". I said "So this gym is only for moderately fat people?". He just laughed and handed me the 3X. Some part of me wanted to think that I would be able to fit into a 3x eventually, but Im trying not to get my hopes up because I have an inherent habit of not following through. I took the shirt back to the locker room, but I was totally like James Bond this time....peeking around corner for any rogue penises. Luckily I was spared this time.
I went out to the recumbent bikes, and after 5 minutes of fumbling around with the buttons, I figured out that you have to pedal to get it to turn on. I set it to whatever the default exercise thing is and started pedaling away. I felt like I was pedaling thin air so I went ahead and set the resistance to 8 and kept going. I pedaled for about 10 minuted before checking my heart rate on the little metal handle (158). I thought damn, is that safe? I realized I didn't even realize what a normal heart rate was for cardio exercise. I kept pushing through it and kept a steady heart rate of about 140-160. I ended up exercising for 30 minutes, and biked just over 5 miles. I thought it was pretty good considering it was like my first trip to the gym EVER. I went to get up and almost immediately fell on face. I looked around to make sure nobody saw me, and then I very casually "jelly walked" to the locker room. One last Bond glance around the corner of the locker room to find it empty, then I was gone.
We are going over to Jonathan's tonight, so Im about to get a shower and get ready. Overall my first trip to the gym was ok. The place is nice and roomy. So I didn't feel like people were all up in my business.

I was born a rambling man.

Things are starting to wind down around here now. Its getting dark, and Gracie is taking a nap. Amanda is making candles for the new wall piece we bought at Hobby Lobby. I have been toying with the idea of going somewhere to work part time, since I found out that my unemployment check was going to about 40% of old earnings. I would like to draw unemployment, work part time, and finish school. Then it dawned on me....about 2 years ago I took the USPS assessment and  actually did rather well on it. At the time, they offered me a position as a relief driver, but of course, I turned it down. Im thinking that now would be a perfect time to take on a part time job as a relief driver for the Postal service. I went online and found my old assessment, and looked at job openings. I ended up applying for a relief position in Lake City for a Rural carrier. I figure it could be a good way to supplement some of the income that I'm losing without having to commit 1/3rd of my time to it. 

I mentioned earlier that I bought a membership to Fitness 10, and I didn't do a damn thing with it. I ran some errands today to kind of shore things up with my guvmint assistance. By the time I was finished, I talked to Amanda and she wanted to grab a bite, so we went and ate. By that time it was 5:30, and I decided not to go to the gym. Now I feel like punching myself for being a dumbass. If someone wants to go with me tonight, i can probably be coerced into going. I can bring a guest. Please holler at me. I need to try to make this fun.

Sometimes I wish I had more friends around here. I mean I have alot of "friends" but I dont really hang out with them. Mostly because I am considered "Shady". Shady is a word that kind of loses its meaning when you are suffering from depression. Its not a conscious choice to be shady. Its more of a inability to feel social.

Im downloading a few movies tonight, but I know it would be wiser to get my fat ass to the gym!!! Any volunteers???

Change comes at a cost.

I went and signed up at the gym today. I cost me about $60 to get started, but I think it will be worth it. I was up late last night due to the long nap at Amanda's mom's house. I took it as an opportunity to build my youtube account so that I can do the occasional Video blog as well. All I have on the channel right now is a shitty video of me showing people how to subscribe. Im one of those people that hates seeing myself in video, so it will be a weird and slow transition before I start showing my mug on there.
I ended up in bed at about 3:30 am, but I was up this morning by 10:30 and taking care of Gracie. Im still feeling pretty good. Im having a hard time going to sleep at night though. I ended up popping an Ambien last night to get some sleep. Im hoping the exercise is going to help with the insomnia. Im still having quite alot of guilt for drinking a little bit yesterday. I should not have done that. Well, im out of things to say for now. Ill probably post something a little later. I hope to kind of lighten the mood of the blog soon. I know you guys get tired of reading the same old whiny shit everyday. Well, Toodles for now.

Oh By the way...my youtube channel is BFLBlog
And my new twitter is @bflblog

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Blast from the past.

Today was a good day, overall....I helped Brittney get the chair in her apt. Here's the weird thing. I talked on the phone with my old step dad. The very same douchebag that use to beat everyone in my family. Im not really in a state to go into the gruesome details of what he was like, but things are a little different. He was diagnosed shortly after the divorce with having bipolar disorder. So, the meds that he is on make him a likable person. Before the phone conversation was over, it actually ended with plans to meet up with him for lunch when he is in town this summer. I feel like it could be a step in the right direction for me to kind of get closure on some of the things he use to do to me. I feel the need to include the fact that there was no sexual abuse or anything of that nature. It was just a lot of yelling and hitting.
While I was at Brittneys, I had a couple of drinks....by the time I got home it was time to go to Amanda's mom's house. We had a great meal, and the next thing I know, It was 11:00 and time to leave. I fell asleep on the recliner and have no recollection of what happened while I was over there. It is a horrible feeling to have things going on around you and have no clue what happened because you were sleeping. I know that it is one of the side effects of Klonopin, but I feel horrible about it.
Tomorrow marks the first day of my "diet", which will include absolutely no alcohol. I have got to stay away from the stuff while im on my AD's and Benzos. Im also going to stay away from the energy drinks. Im going to need a lot of support to quit the sauces, but I know that it needs to be done. Its one of the worst things I do to my body. Its so easy to want that jolt that Energy drinks and/or alcohol gives you when you are suffering through depression. I really think that the Paxil is going help me feel better. I am just going to replace those negative things in my life with more positive things like exercise, and helping people out. I just know that I have got to stay busy.
I have felt myself being nostalgic alot over the past week or so. Im not sure why I have the sudden need to look back and try to analyze my past. Is it healthy? Or should I just leave it alone....

Its a process....

Well, I woke up this morning at about 11 AM. Im trying to get back to where I'm getting up at a decent hour. When I was on Celexa, all I wanted to do was sleep. Not to mention it caused horrible anxiety and an OCD nature. Its like every time I had a pain, I was on google convincing myself I had some rare disease. I feel so much better now that Golden switched me to Paxil. I've been suffering from some withdrawals from the Celexa, but the Klonopins have been helping with those. Im getting ready to get out of the house and go to the $10 fitness place to start my membership. I keep telling myself that I know I have to commit to going to the gym, but my track record says that I suck at it. Im hoping that since Im not working I'll go stir crazy enough to get up and go exercise. I have already found myself doing things that I would not have had the will to do a month ago. I got out yesterday and went to Brittney's new apt. The place is a shithole, and she knows it, but I told her that everyone has to start somewhere. We worked on it for a while yesterday. I put a new door on Tiffany's room, and we spackled a couple of bad spots in the wall. The place could be decent if a little TLC was given to it. Anyhow, Im about to meet with Brittney again today and go to Brookland to get an old Queen Ann chair that Memaw gave us a couple of years back. It will be nice for Brittney to have a little extra furniture. Im hoping if we get the place fixed up, she will really stick to it, and try to make it work.
I gotta admit, it feels weird leaving Amanda at home everyday. I know she stayed here when I worked, but this is different. I feel like Im abandoning her and the baby, but at this point I feel like its helping me to get out of the house and do something with myself. Amanda insists that she is fine with it. It really feels weird not getting up for work every day. I've never been unemployed for more than a couple of weeks, so actually having no plans to return to work right now makes me feel like a low life.
I hope you guys will let me know if I get to long winded in my blogs. Im not entirely sure about blog etiquette.
Ill come back later and post some updates.

I believe they say that "The longest journey begins with a single step"

Well, Im relatively new to blogging, but now that I am unemployed I figured what the hell...Ill give it a shot. I will not be concerned with proper grammar etc when blogging. This mainly a free writing tool of sorts. A place where I can update my would be subscribers and spill my thoughts onto virtual paper. This will be a tell all, and I will not be sugar coating anything. Im sure at some point I will piss somebody off, but just keep in mind, its just a blog and nobody gives a shit about what I say anyhow.
When Smurfit Stone announced that my services were no longer needed, I tried to think of something I can do that would keep me busy and help with my mental status. Lord knows I need stability. I began to think of all the wonderful things I could do with myself, since I would have all this free time. The first thing that came to mind was to try to get back in shape (which is to pretend i was ever really healthy to begin with). I feel there are so many more options that would be available to me if I didn't weigh as much as a full grown black bear. A mind blowing 350 lbs. Fat asses are automatically stigmatized as being lazy. While this is mostly true, I still feel I need to get down to a manageable weight. The doctors say that my weight contributes to my depression and anxiety as well. Of course, when you are fat, all of you ailments are because you are fat. Everything can be cured by losing weight according to modern science.
This blog is not going to be about just weight loss, its going to work alot like a journal. I will be discussing all the things in my daily life, and like a narcissist, assume that anyone cares besides those that feel they are obliged. Hopefully I can make an impression on a few people.
My goal is to post on BFL on a daily basis to give you updates.
Please subscribe, and I look forward to this whole blogging thing.