Did God find me...or is it a coincidence?

The Strangest thing happened to me.

     As most everyone knows, I was born and raised in a very christian home. In fact, up until about 7 yrs ago, I was a devout pentecost. I went to church, spoke in tongue, got the holy ghost....the whole nine yards. Im not sure where or when I lost faith, but I eventually labeled myself an agnostic. It was much easier to understand than the mystery that is God and the bible.
     I didn't want to believe that "God" would shroud himself in so much mystery and yet expect us to follow him blindly. I prayed for years in vain for some type of sign that he even existed. For in my mind, it was nothing more than a fairy tale. The bible was nothing more than an Aesop's Fables for Christians.
     It wasnt long after this line of thinking before I labeled myself an Agnostic Theist. Someone who believes in a higher power but believes that no one has the cognitive capacity to even begin to understand or interpret its meaning.
     This is something that I had personal struggle with for many years. I wanted my children to grow up in a home where they were tought about Jesus and The Holy Bible. At the same time, I knew that I couldn't objectively teach them with my beliefs, so I left the religious stuff to my parents and grandparents.
     For some reason (im still not sure why) I decided last night to pray. I asked the lord to give me SOMETHING, ANYTHING. Any type of sign to show me he is still there, and he still cares about me, or that he even exists. I went on to explain that I felt a certain amount of guilt for the way I have been thinking, and for dismissing him so quickly when things turned to crap in my life. I remember falling asleep in the middle of my prayer.
     Today was unremarkable. Work went as smoothly as could be expected, and I went and got groceries and got a haircut, and just upon my daily business.

I got home and checked the mail, and this is where things got rather strange. Either a crazy coincidence or the hand of God.

I checked the mail, and inside was a hand written letter. The envelope was hand written and there was a stamp on it. It was addressed to Ronnie Boling. and when i opened it, I found a hand written letter from a lady that i have never heard of asking me to join her in worship at a local church. I immediately called everyone i knew to see if they knew the lady that sent me the message. Nobody had ever heard of her. So here I am with this letter, inviting me to church the DAY AFTER I prayed for God to give me a sign. Even though I am not a religious person, my heart strings are really tugging at me and telling me to visit this church. Almost a calming sensation, like this is what I need to do in my life in order to move forward. I have never been the type to buy into the hype of organized religion, but this is too great of an opportunity to pass up. I think I will be visiting.

Picasa Album and Indie GoGo link is live

Picasa Album and IndieGoGo link added on the right bar under important links.

Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder...

     Instead, it makes my readers pissed, and makes me look lazy. I haven't made a post in a very long time unfortunately. I also have been waiting on my Blood Lipid and Blood Metabolic Panel to return to figure where to turn next.
     I have read alot about the Keto Diet, and have seen alot of results on Reddit by people at least close to my size. Truthfully, my priorities have been skewed. I have spent so much more time concerned with dating and thinking about others, that I haven't been taking care of myself. I told myself after the divorce that I would remain single and focus on my weight loss goals, but alas, it hasn't happened that way. How could I possibly expect to take care of a girlfriend right now, when I can't even take care of myself. I think its time to step back and remember that I can't hope to find someone until I'm truly happy with myself, and right now I just make myself nauseous. Not only because I'm still a fatass, but I haven't followed through with ANYTHING I said I would.
     At this point I'm surprised I have any readers left. I havent been logging my meals, because, well, I havent been eating right. Maybe logging my meals regardless of healthiness of said meals will help me see exactly where I'm getting the calories, and it will shame me. I have been trying to make good decisions when eating, but I really need to log this stuff.
     I'm sure anything I say at this point will be taken with a grain of salt until I actually start using my food and exercise journal. So, I wont make you any promises. Ill just let actions speak at this point. Hopefully if you are one of the few that have stuck with me through the months that I dont blog, will see a renewed interest in my blog. I know its hard to put your faith into something when the person asking for help isnt showing any type of will or determination, and for that I am sorry.


     I am going to drop my dating life for now, and just worry about me, nobody else to care for except me.


Other than that, there are no real updates to life. Still just working and trying to make a living. I do have a few updated pictures for you guys though.

Oh yea, I almost forgot, I got a cat for company. Her name is Melody. I got her when she was just under 6 weeks old, and its amazing how much company she is giving me.

I hope you guys will check out my facebook page. I havent really been video blogging much but I have kind of been thinking about starting it again. My mind has been nagging me about it.

Please keep reading and checking in. I post small updates when i change anything including my food exercise diary. So, if you are subscribed, you may see a few very small posts from my phone.I am also going to add a public link to my Picasa web album so I can stop posting a bunch of pictures in my thread as suggested by another reader. It seems to be a nuisance to some to have to scroll through the pictures to get to the text.

Ill try to get this set up today.

Depression or Deprivation? My Struggle with Sleep Apnea

     For the past year, I have been treated for depression. Nothing has really seemed to work. I still showed all the classic signs of depression. Irritability, mood swings, sleeping all the time, trouble concentrating, etc. I have tried Paxil, Celexa, and Wellbutrin, along with Klonopin for anxiety and nothing seemed to work. What was even more odd, is that I have always been an even mooded person. I wasn't always an asshole. I got along with most everyone, and everyone kept telling me I was out of character. I always blamed it on the depression even though treatment wasn't helping. 

     What if it never really was depression brought on by life changes? What if this entire time, it has been something completely different, and I have been treating the wrong disease? Don't get me wrong...there is no doubt that I have been suffering from Depression, but why haven't the meds helped?

     I have noticed lately that I get tonsilitis A LOT, in fact every morning when I wake up, my tonsils are huge, and I can barely swallow. I have been having a hard time getting going in the mornings, and I never feel rested in the mornings. In fact, I feel worse when I wake up than when I went to bed. I get headaches now, I catch myself snoring, I wake up and I have completely turned the sheets around. I often wake up with night sweats. I finally convinced myself that maybe it was time for a sleep study. 

     I knew absolutely nothing about sleep apnea, I had done ZERO research on it, but Dr. Golden recommended a sleep study. He gave me a referral and I had my first sleep study done on 5/7/12. 

     Its nothing like you would expect....at least not at my hospital. The sleep rooms are like hotel rooms. Flat panel TV's, a queen size bed, private bathrooms, individual thermostats....very cozy. I showed up and they explained to me exactly what they would be measuring. Snoring, oxygen levels, breathing, leg movement, eye movement, jaw movement, pulse, sleep position, sleep state, etc....I thought how in the hell can they do all that??? Then I quickly learned. They do it by GLUING what feels like a hundred diodes all over your body including in your hair, and in my case, my beard. However, thats not all....first they scrub the hell out of the areas that will be glued by what can only be described as liquid sandpaper. Here is me after the "Initial diodes". Keep in mind that this is only the head. You can tell how happy I am at this point...Im mainly grumpy because there is gauze and metal things glued into my beard.

     From here, I was left to wander the room for about 40 minutes while my tech finished up with her other patient.This was probably the easiest part, because I sat in the recliner and watched family guy. My tech gets back into the room and asked me to sit in this chair, which I now know was a MISTAKE, because it was in the chair where the real misery comes in. She inserts these rigid metal wires into my nose! She then sticks one of those rubbery oxygen tube things up there, so that my nose is stuffed. She then taped the stuff to my face. When all was said and done this is what I looked like.

     What you cant see is the diodes on the back of my head, on my legs, and on my chest. I eventually went to sleep, and was aroused at about 6AM feeling like shit as usual. I was greeted by a million questions about how I slept, and had to answer each on a scale of 1-9, yes 9....I didn't get it. She then doused me in acetone to remove the glued in stuff and sent me home. 

     I got a phone later that day and they told me that the doctor had looked at my results and they were ready and that I had also left my glasses on the night stand (I looked for them all morning). I went to pick up my results, and I was floored by them. I slept for 7.6 hours. I had 457 Respiratory events that lasted 10 seconds or more each. Thats 93 per hour! One every 45 seconds!!! I inquired how it was possible for me to enter rem sleep...they said I never did enter REM sleep. IN FACT (and I just learned this bit last night), out of the 7.6 hours I slept, only 25 minutes of it was spent in "restorative level 2 sleep". 

     I immediately looked up information on this and learned that anything over 30 episodes per hour is considered severe, and guess what....Sleep apnea can cause Depression, mood swings, irritability, trouble concentrating, fatigue, etc. Pretty much ALL the things that I associated with depression. So is the depression my problem???? Or is it a symptom? The only way to find out is by using a CPAP and seeing if I can get better. 

     Last night I came back to the hospital for my second test, this time with a CPAP machine, and for the first time in FOREVER I dreamed. I didn't realize that I hadn't been dreaming, I just assumed I wasn't remembering them. However, I was never entering REM sleep. The tech told me this morning, that I must have been deprived because I spent a lot of time in REM sleep. Of course, I dreamed about the mask, but it was still a dream. My pressure was set to 17 on the CPAP machine before I quit snoring.

     I guess all that is left now, is to find a mask that DOESNT look like this one, and see if my depression goes away. Its crazy to think that it could be alleviated by a CPAP. 

     The important thing is, now I know why I always feel too tired to stick with my exercise routine, Heres to  hoping for better sleep and moods in the future, and as always, I will keep you guys updated.

Big Fat Birthday

Well, I had quite a lot going on this weekend, none of which involved me picking up my new membership card from the Trim Gym.....I know, I'm terrible. I'll get it tomorrow! As some of you know, my Son and I share a birthday, and my parents are divorced, so that makes for one hell of a long weekend. I got both the kids on Friday, and we just kinda hung around the house on Friday night. It was a chore getting Gracie to STAY OFF of things. She kept climbing on the coffee table and screeching like a bird.

     I need to put a fence around the table or something! We went to Mom's house on Saturday for Pizza, Cake and Ice cream. It was fun, but Gracie had entirely too much candy and went all mental on me. I had to literally YELL at mom so she would quit giving her sixlets...We hung out over there until about 7, at which point Gracie couldn't stand to be awake anymore. Xander and I both got cash. Xander got $50 and INSISTED that I let him buy $50 worth of Microsoft Points. He got all excited, and then spent 400 out of 4000 pts, and started playing something else. I should have known better.
     This morning we got around, and went to Dad's at noon, for BBQ and cake and Ice cream, where Xander got yet more cash and Gift cards.

     Overall it was a great weekend, but I am worn out, and was ready to chill at home tonight and watch a flick. I just haven't decided what to watch yet. Here are some pictures of the weekend for those of you who arent my FB Friends.

Words aren't enough...

    Sometimes words simply aren't enough to convey one's feelings. The problem with words is that they are easy to use. Anyone with a 5th grade education could be eloquent with words. In the past I was very guilty of saying things that I think others want to here to make them happy. It was most likely the salesperson in me.
    I have learned since I have had to reconstruct my life that words alone aren't enough. You don't do anyone any favors by telling them what they want to hear, because it will eventually come back to bite you in the ass. It a lot harder to show someone that you mean it than to just say it. Let's face it, if you tell someone something enough times, and fail to follow through with actions, you simply become a liar at that point, then no matter how eloquent you are, are how much you mean it, they will never take you seriously again.
    I can't tell you how many relationships I have ruined because of this, but I am at the point where I am tired of just talking. I have a dug a hole so big in some of my past and current relationships, that it has completely ruined any chances I have of making a reconciliation. I am going to approach this at a different angle this time around. I want to make it clear, that I am NOT talking about my Ex-Wife here. I'm talking about my future, not my past.
     The sooner we can just start over, and forget the past, the sooner I show my friend that I really mean it this time.
There are certain people in this world that have been through a lot of bullshit. Sometimes, I glorify my problems, and think that I have it terrible, but I really don't have it as bad as some people. I have one particular friend that has put up with so much bullshit from me, and still, against her best judgement befriends me. I just wanted to make it known, that I am thankful.

I'm flawed. Im Damaged at best. I wont pretend I don't have my issues, but I will promise this much....Im getting better, and the better I get, the more I see just how much what I do affects others feelings. I have been nothing but selfish for the past year, and Im getting tired of it.

It's time to put on my big boy shoes and start following through.

Let's Go Blues! (Thats St Louis, right?)

     Any person that knows me, knows that I'm not much of a sports fan, but there is something about going to an actual event that is a blast. You don't have to be a huge sports fan to appreciate the atmosphere of a live game.
     My birthday is coming up next weekend, so my best friend Bill decided to take me to the Stanley Cup Playoffs in St. Louis. Furthermore, the cards played out to where if they won they would closeout the first round, and there would be a huge celebration. Bill paid for EVERYTHING except some of the gas, and my food. He even bought me a blues cap!
     We stayed at the PearTree Hotel on Market St. which is about a block from Union Station Mall. We got there about 2, and the room wasnt ready so we went to the mall and walked around. From the hotel parking lot we had a great view of the skyline.

   
     Bill bought him a jersey and a cap, and bought me a cap, and we ate at the food court. I was stoked because I've needed a new hat for a long time. Bill bought some fancy expensive jersey, but unfortunately they don't make size fat, so I had to stick to the accessories. We decided to get a cab to the game even though it was only about a mile from us, just because I didn't want to risk walking on a sprained ankle. With it still not being 100%, I didn't want to risk re-injuring it. I had meant to buy an ace bandage and wrap it up, but I didn't have time to stop. So, I toughed it out.
    When we got there it was CROWDED, and there were some very odd people around and about. Some were uber fans, and others were homeless and begging for money and/or cigarettes, streetside evangelists, you name it.
     We get into the game and the whole atmosphere was amazing. It was a sea of blue. I didn't like how tight everything was. There was no room for anyone to walk past when you are sitting down. So, anytime someone on the row wanted to get up to pee, everyone had to stand up. Of course, I'm sure it didn't help that I am not exactly small. Plus the game turned into question time, so the majority of the game was spent leaned over yelling embarrassing questions to Bill because I didn't know what was happening most of the time
     Once the game was over, and the Blues clinched the first sound the place went NUTS! Everyone was high fiving, and hugging, air horns, screaming, shouting whistling, swinging rally towels....as we left the stadium everyone was driving by honking their horns 3 times followed by pedestrians shouting LET'S GO BLUES!! If anyone saw that you were wearing a Blues logo they would yell GO BLUES! to you. Everyone was drunk and Bill and I could do nothing but laugh about it. Between the ScottTrade Center and the hotel was an Irish Pub called Maggie O'briens, and while we were waiting, we saw this. I really cant explain it....

That my friends is a guy in a khaki SKIRT. Thankfully he was wearing underwear, but I feel like this is illegal in AT LEAST 19 states. We should have gotten free drinks just for having to witness this. The pub was PACKED but the food was fantastic. By the time we ate, we were exhausted and decided to head on back to the hotel. It was definitely the most fun I've ever had in one night.

Here are some other pictures from the trip :)

Hey Bill, Your Rally Towel is Upside down :P

Bill in front of the Scottrade Center