Back to school!

   You know what that means? No school kids on WoW to ruin my play time. I'm kidding of course (kinda). I'm taking 12 hours this semester in an "online environment". I literally have nothing else to do, so I figure I will do well. It's better than playing games on my butt at home. Well, I will still be sitting on my butt at home, but I will do it constructively, not to say that leveling my engineering in WoW isn't constructive. It's just not constructive to society.
   I decided to bite the bullet and start going back to therapy, (le sigh). I'm still on the same anti-depressants that I was on during the separation and divorce, and they don't really seem to be keeping up like I feel they should, and I get a handful of free sessions seeing as how I work at an outpatient clinic. I really don't have an excuse. Although it could make for an awkward conversation when my therapist calls for technical support. I tried to pick the most low maintenance (IT wise) therapist I could think of to avoid such interactions. Therapy is already so awkward to begin with.
   The weather has been a bit cooler over the past couple of days and I'm starting to get the itch for fall. I love the fall weather. Not to mention Halloween approaches when the weather starts to cool off. Ryan has his cogs turning on the new Zombie Pumpkins! site. He has started releasing teaser pics and a title guessing contest. If you haven't checked it out,  you should. Zombie Pumpkins!
   This will be my first Halloween by myself EVER. I'm not sure yet what I am going to do with myself, but hopefully I can find some trouble to get into. If anyone is planning a party, let me know!

   Dating life hasn't had much yet worth blogging, but its slowly moving along. Taking my time is the best measure I think. Plus with school starting back, I figure I will have that much less time.

  If you are in school...Good Luck!
 

It'll never be good enough....

I updated my food diary, i was a little behind in syncing my diary to myfitnesspal.

However, I have a reader that bitches when I don't update my journal, he bitches when i do update it because its not how he thinks it should look. He bitches because he cant click a link on the left hand side of my food diary to see my exercise diary, and then makes comments.

To that reader, and you know who you are, If you are going to be so difficult about EVERYTHING, just move on and stop reading my blog. Im tired of waking up to comments from you where you have nothing nice to say EVER.

I am being completely honest on my food log, and I know that I dont eat healthy right now, but as I stated before I am waiting for my blood test results to come back so my doctor can give me a diet plan.

I hate to be so crass, but I didnt start this blog for you, and frankly, Im tired of moderating your comments.

If you want to do it "right" start your own blog.

Maybe now I can get back to doing things how i want without having to worry about what you will say.

Did God find me...or is it a coincidence?

The Strangest thing happened to me.

     As most everyone knows, I was born and raised in a very christian home. In fact, up until about 7 yrs ago, I was a devout pentecost. I went to church, spoke in tongue, got the holy ghost....the whole nine yards. Im not sure where or when I lost faith, but I eventually labeled myself an agnostic. It was much easier to understand than the mystery that is God and the bible.
     I didn't want to believe that "God" would shroud himself in so much mystery and yet expect us to follow him blindly. I prayed for years in vain for some type of sign that he even existed. For in my mind, it was nothing more than a fairy tale. The bible was nothing more than an Aesop's Fables for Christians.
     It wasnt long after this line of thinking before I labeled myself an Agnostic Theist. Someone who believes in a higher power but believes that no one has the cognitive capacity to even begin to understand or interpret its meaning.
     This is something that I had personal struggle with for many years. I wanted my children to grow up in a home where they were tought about Jesus and The Holy Bible. At the same time, I knew that I couldn't objectively teach them with my beliefs, so I left the religious stuff to my parents and grandparents.
     For some reason (im still not sure why) I decided last night to pray. I asked the lord to give me SOMETHING, ANYTHING. Any type of sign to show me he is still there, and he still cares about me, or that he even exists. I went on to explain that I felt a certain amount of guilt for the way I have been thinking, and for dismissing him so quickly when things turned to crap in my life. I remember falling asleep in the middle of my prayer.
     Today was unremarkable. Work went as smoothly as could be expected, and I went and got groceries and got a haircut, and just upon my daily business.

I got home and checked the mail, and this is where things got rather strange. Either a crazy coincidence or the hand of God.

I checked the mail, and inside was a hand written letter. The envelope was hand written and there was a stamp on it. It was addressed to Ronnie Boling. and when i opened it, I found a hand written letter from a lady that i have never heard of asking me to join her in worship at a local church. I immediately called everyone i knew to see if they knew the lady that sent me the message. Nobody had ever heard of her. So here I am with this letter, inviting me to church the DAY AFTER I prayed for God to give me a sign. Even though I am not a religious person, my heart strings are really tugging at me and telling me to visit this church. Almost a calming sensation, like this is what I need to do in my life in order to move forward. I have never been the type to buy into the hype of organized religion, but this is too great of an opportunity to pass up. I think I will be visiting.

Picasa Album and Indie GoGo link is live

Picasa Album and IndieGoGo link added on the right bar under important links.

Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder...

     Instead, it makes my readers pissed, and makes me look lazy. I haven't made a post in a very long time unfortunately. I also have been waiting on my Blood Lipid and Blood Metabolic Panel to return to figure where to turn next.
     I have read alot about the Keto Diet, and have seen alot of results on Reddit by people at least close to my size. Truthfully, my priorities have been skewed. I have spent so much more time concerned with dating and thinking about others, that I haven't been taking care of myself. I told myself after the divorce that I would remain single and focus on my weight loss goals, but alas, it hasn't happened that way. How could I possibly expect to take care of a girlfriend right now, when I can't even take care of myself. I think its time to step back and remember that I can't hope to find someone until I'm truly happy with myself, and right now I just make myself nauseous. Not only because I'm still a fatass, but I haven't followed through with ANYTHING I said I would.
     At this point I'm surprised I have any readers left. I havent been logging my meals, because, well, I havent been eating right. Maybe logging my meals regardless of healthiness of said meals will help me see exactly where I'm getting the calories, and it will shame me. I have been trying to make good decisions when eating, but I really need to log this stuff.
     I'm sure anything I say at this point will be taken with a grain of salt until I actually start using my food and exercise journal. So, I wont make you any promises. Ill just let actions speak at this point. Hopefully if you are one of the few that have stuck with me through the months that I dont blog, will see a renewed interest in my blog. I know its hard to put your faith into something when the person asking for help isnt showing any type of will or determination, and for that I am sorry.


     I am going to drop my dating life for now, and just worry about me, nobody else to care for except me.


Other than that, there are no real updates to life. Still just working and trying to make a living. I do have a few updated pictures for you guys though.

Oh yea, I almost forgot, I got a cat for company. Her name is Melody. I got her when she was just under 6 weeks old, and its amazing how much company she is giving me.

I hope you guys will check out my facebook page. I havent really been video blogging much but I have kind of been thinking about starting it again. My mind has been nagging me about it.

Please keep reading and checking in. I post small updates when i change anything including my food exercise diary. So, if you are subscribed, you may see a few very small posts from my phone.I am also going to add a public link to my Picasa web album so I can stop posting a bunch of pictures in my thread as suggested by another reader. It seems to be a nuisance to some to have to scroll through the pictures to get to the text.

Ill try to get this set up today.

Depression or Deprivation? My Struggle with Sleep Apnea

     For the past year, I have been treated for depression. Nothing has really seemed to work. I still showed all the classic signs of depression. Irritability, mood swings, sleeping all the time, trouble concentrating, etc. I have tried Paxil, Celexa, and Wellbutrin, along with Klonopin for anxiety and nothing seemed to work. What was even more odd, is that I have always been an even mooded person. I wasn't always an asshole. I got along with most everyone, and everyone kept telling me I was out of character. I always blamed it on the depression even though treatment wasn't helping. 

     What if it never really was depression brought on by life changes? What if this entire time, it has been something completely different, and I have been treating the wrong disease? Don't get me wrong...there is no doubt that I have been suffering from Depression, but why haven't the meds helped?

     I have noticed lately that I get tonsilitis A LOT, in fact every morning when I wake up, my tonsils are huge, and I can barely swallow. I have been having a hard time getting going in the mornings, and I never feel rested in the mornings. In fact, I feel worse when I wake up than when I went to bed. I get headaches now, I catch myself snoring, I wake up and I have completely turned the sheets around. I often wake up with night sweats. I finally convinced myself that maybe it was time for a sleep study. 

     I knew absolutely nothing about sleep apnea, I had done ZERO research on it, but Dr. Golden recommended a sleep study. He gave me a referral and I had my first sleep study done on 5/7/12. 

     Its nothing like you would expect....at least not at my hospital. The sleep rooms are like hotel rooms. Flat panel TV's, a queen size bed, private bathrooms, individual thermostats....very cozy. I showed up and they explained to me exactly what they would be measuring. Snoring, oxygen levels, breathing, leg movement, eye movement, jaw movement, pulse, sleep position, sleep state, etc....I thought how in the hell can they do all that??? Then I quickly learned. They do it by GLUING what feels like a hundred diodes all over your body including in your hair, and in my case, my beard. However, thats not all....first they scrub the hell out of the areas that will be glued by what can only be described as liquid sandpaper. Here is me after the "Initial diodes". Keep in mind that this is only the head. You can tell how happy I am at this point...Im mainly grumpy because there is gauze and metal things glued into my beard.

     From here, I was left to wander the room for about 40 minutes while my tech finished up with her other patient.This was probably the easiest part, because I sat in the recliner and watched family guy. My tech gets back into the room and asked me to sit in this chair, which I now know was a MISTAKE, because it was in the chair where the real misery comes in. She inserts these rigid metal wires into my nose! She then sticks one of those rubbery oxygen tube things up there, so that my nose is stuffed. She then taped the stuff to my face. When all was said and done this is what I looked like.

     What you cant see is the diodes on the back of my head, on my legs, and on my chest. I eventually went to sleep, and was aroused at about 6AM feeling like shit as usual. I was greeted by a million questions about how I slept, and had to answer each on a scale of 1-9, yes 9....I didn't get it. She then doused me in acetone to remove the glued in stuff and sent me home. 

     I got a phone later that day and they told me that the doctor had looked at my results and they were ready and that I had also left my glasses on the night stand (I looked for them all morning). I went to pick up my results, and I was floored by them. I slept for 7.6 hours. I had 457 Respiratory events that lasted 10 seconds or more each. Thats 93 per hour! One every 45 seconds!!! I inquired how it was possible for me to enter rem sleep...they said I never did enter REM sleep. IN FACT (and I just learned this bit last night), out of the 7.6 hours I slept, only 25 minutes of it was spent in "restorative level 2 sleep". 

     I immediately looked up information on this and learned that anything over 30 episodes per hour is considered severe, and guess what....Sleep apnea can cause Depression, mood swings, irritability, trouble concentrating, fatigue, etc. Pretty much ALL the things that I associated with depression. So is the depression my problem???? Or is it a symptom? The only way to find out is by using a CPAP and seeing if I can get better. 

     Last night I came back to the hospital for my second test, this time with a CPAP machine, and for the first time in FOREVER I dreamed. I didn't realize that I hadn't been dreaming, I just assumed I wasn't remembering them. However, I was never entering REM sleep. The tech told me this morning, that I must have been deprived because I spent a lot of time in REM sleep. Of course, I dreamed about the mask, but it was still a dream. My pressure was set to 17 on the CPAP machine before I quit snoring.

     I guess all that is left now, is to find a mask that DOESNT look like this one, and see if my depression goes away. Its crazy to think that it could be alleviated by a CPAP. 

     The important thing is, now I know why I always feel too tired to stick with my exercise routine, Heres to  hoping for better sleep and moods in the future, and as always, I will keep you guys updated.

Big Fat Birthday

Well, I had quite a lot going on this weekend, none of which involved me picking up my new membership card from the Trim Gym.....I know, I'm terrible. I'll get it tomorrow! As some of you know, my Son and I share a birthday, and my parents are divorced, so that makes for one hell of a long weekend. I got both the kids on Friday, and we just kinda hung around the house on Friday night. It was a chore getting Gracie to STAY OFF of things. She kept climbing on the coffee table and screeching like a bird.

     I need to put a fence around the table or something! We went to Mom's house on Saturday for Pizza, Cake and Ice cream. It was fun, but Gracie had entirely too much candy and went all mental on me. I had to literally YELL at mom so she would quit giving her sixlets...We hung out over there until about 7, at which point Gracie couldn't stand to be awake anymore. Xander and I both got cash. Xander got $50 and INSISTED that I let him buy $50 worth of Microsoft Points. He got all excited, and then spent 400 out of 4000 pts, and started playing something else. I should have known better.
     This morning we got around, and went to Dad's at noon, for BBQ and cake and Ice cream, where Xander got yet more cash and Gift cards.

     Overall it was a great weekend, but I am worn out, and was ready to chill at home tonight and watch a flick. I just haven't decided what to watch yet. Here are some pictures of the weekend for those of you who arent my FB Friends.