Amanda was kind enough to bring it to my attention that I say "Uh" too much in my video blogs. I never noticed it until she said something. Now, Im self conscious about it. I find myself re-doing dialogue alot now. So thanks for that, Amanda.
Today has been a fruitful day. We got an early start with Xanders soccer game. It was a beautiful day today, but very very windy. Im not sure that I can use a whole lot of the video shot at the soccer field. Mine and Xander's birthday is coming up on the 27th, and I have no clue what I want to get him. I thought about a swimming pool, but the maintenance would be a pain.
Hopefully I have enough footage today to post a video tonight! Stay tuned.
**This blog is Deprecated and is no longer updated** Not just a weight loss blog!! The Times and Trials (and ramblings) of a fat, divorced Daddy of two, trying to keep it together, lose weight and make a living. P.S. This is an outpouring of my thoughts, so grammar and punctuation take a back seat to that. You have been warned!!!
Just in case you are living under a rock!
If you haven't subscribed to my youtube channel yet, here are the most recent vids. Stop being stuck up and subscribe! Here is the link to my channel to make it easy for you! http://www.youtube.com/user/BFLBlog?feature=mhum
Depression relapse is a bitch...
Not exactly sure what brought it on, but I have kind of under the weather today. Not in a physical sense, but in an emotional sense. I have just felt like shit all day. It may have been the junk food last night at Godsey's. Im not sure why some days I'm ok, and others I feel depressed. I'm afraid to say that I may need to increase my dosage of Paxil. This scares me, because I feel like I have finally reached a point where the side effects of the AD's have subsided. Im afraid if I increase my dose, the side effects will come back in full force.
The side effects of Paxil and Celexa for me included, a feeling of drunkness, or disconnectedness, "brain zaps", various sexual side effects (including anaorgasma), insomnia, chills, anxiety, and various other side effects. They are so bad in the first few weeks, that it makes you wonder if the drugs are worse than the depression. I really wish I could go back to not taking any medicine. The idea of having to rely on AD's to function properly long term is depressing (ironic, right).
I try my best to count my blessings in hopes that I can turn my demeanor around when I feel like this, but nothing seems to help. I know I'm blessed with a beautiful wife and daughter, and I feel like I have the inability to enjoy them as I should because of the depression. It's hard to explain if you have never had depression, and it probably just comes across as whiny to my readers. As my EX-Dr. once said. "Just shake it off". How I wish it were that easy. However, its not. Its these times (in the past) that I would turn to alcohol in order to be "happy". Of course I felt whimsical while I was drunk, but felt overwhelming guilt the next day, because I know in my current state of fitness, that was one more night that all I did was harm my body for a few hours of numbness. Of course as part of this blog one thing that I am desperately trying to eliminate from my life is drinking. Now I feel the need to say, that I am not even close to to an alcoholic, but I do know that it's a slippery slope once you turn to alcohol to cope with emotional distress. This is why I went to the Dr. in the first place last year.
So I have to decide if I should shake this off as a bad day, or take it seriously and talk to the Doc about increasing my dosage. I'm looking to do things that will replace these bad vibes in my life with something a little more constructive, such as this blog, and the video blogging. The problem is that it is taking every little bit of will power I have to sit down and type this out. I feel like it may have some therapeutic value to do this though.
I usually try to keep this blog upbeat so as not to bring down my audience, but I felt the need to be candid today in my current mental state. NO, I'm not having thoughts of harming myself or others. I just feel like crawling under a rock today, and not coming out until life is easy again. I know those are juvenile thoughts, because life is not going to be easy in this day and time. I just have to learn to cope with it without meds. Because sometimes, Its just not worth the ups and downs that come along with taking AD's.
I'm sorry if I brought everyone down, it wasn't my intention. My sole intention was to get my thoughts out on virtual paper.
Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow, and I can go back to making people laugh, and stop feeling sorry myself.
The side effects of Paxil and Celexa for me included, a feeling of drunkness, or disconnectedness, "brain zaps", various sexual side effects (including anaorgasma), insomnia, chills, anxiety, and various other side effects. They are so bad in the first few weeks, that it makes you wonder if the drugs are worse than the depression. I really wish I could go back to not taking any medicine. The idea of having to rely on AD's to function properly long term is depressing (ironic, right).
I try my best to count my blessings in hopes that I can turn my demeanor around when I feel like this, but nothing seems to help. I know I'm blessed with a beautiful wife and daughter, and I feel like I have the inability to enjoy them as I should because of the depression. It's hard to explain if you have never had depression, and it probably just comes across as whiny to my readers. As my EX-Dr. once said. "Just shake it off". How I wish it were that easy. However, its not. Its these times (in the past) that I would turn to alcohol in order to be "happy". Of course I felt whimsical while I was drunk, but felt overwhelming guilt the next day, because I know in my current state of fitness, that was one more night that all I did was harm my body for a few hours of numbness. Of course as part of this blog one thing that I am desperately trying to eliminate from my life is drinking. Now I feel the need to say, that I am not even close to to an alcoholic, but I do know that it's a slippery slope once you turn to alcohol to cope with emotional distress. This is why I went to the Dr. in the first place last year.
So I have to decide if I should shake this off as a bad day, or take it seriously and talk to the Doc about increasing my dosage. I'm looking to do things that will replace these bad vibes in my life with something a little more constructive, such as this blog, and the video blogging. The problem is that it is taking every little bit of will power I have to sit down and type this out. I feel like it may have some therapeutic value to do this though.
I usually try to keep this blog upbeat so as not to bring down my audience, but I felt the need to be candid today in my current mental state. NO, I'm not having thoughts of harming myself or others. I just feel like crawling under a rock today, and not coming out until life is easy again. I know those are juvenile thoughts, because life is not going to be easy in this day and time. I just have to learn to cope with it without meds. Because sometimes, Its just not worth the ups and downs that come along with taking AD's.
I'm sorry if I brought everyone down, it wasn't my intention. My sole intention was to get my thoughts out on virtual paper.
Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow, and I can go back to making people laugh, and stop feeling sorry myself.
Lazy Sunday...
Today was a pretty chill day. Amanda finished up painting the bathroom, and you can see it on my youtube channel. I watched Gracie while she did that. My mower isnt running right, so I paid some dude $30 to mow my entire yard, which I thought was a pretty damn good deal. We ate at Ruby Tuesday to celebrate Amanda finishing the bathroom.
Tomorrow, Im picking up my new Sony Bloggie, which is an HD cam made specifically for vlogging, so I will have higher quality videos. I still plan on doing the regular blog, but I will eventually move to primarily video blogging. I think Amanda is going to have to get use to me recording everything, but she should adapt pretty well. YouTube is hard to get a good fan base, but once you do it, they tend to be loyal. Please help me by spreading the word about my youtube channel. My username is BFLBlog.
Talk to you soon!
Tomorrow, Im picking up my new Sony Bloggie, which is an HD cam made specifically for vlogging, so I will have higher quality videos. I still plan on doing the regular blog, but I will eventually move to primarily video blogging. I think Amanda is going to have to get use to me recording everything, but she should adapt pretty well. YouTube is hard to get a good fan base, but once you do it, they tend to be loyal. Please help me by spreading the word about my youtube channel. My username is BFLBlog.
Talk to you soon!
April Fools Day....an excuse for me to be mean!
In the spirit of April Fool's day, we decided to convince my mother that we were pregnant. It was pretty Epic! I initially just called Mom and of course, there was no convincing her. I told mom we would go get a pregnancy test and take a pic of it with something in the house. So Amanda had a old pregnancy test that was pretty close to expiring, so she peed on it, and of course...it was negative. It is a digital test. So it said "Not Pregnant". We snapped a photo, and Amanda photo shopped the "not" out of it. This was the ending result.
Of course at this point Mom believed me and was so exited, that I immediately felt terrible. I let it go for about an hour and I called her, and she was like "I knew you were kidding" blah blah blah....I HAD HER GOOD!
So, on another note, I managed to fall flat on my ass today while brushing my teeth. I bet you are wondering how I managed to do that. Well, I was brushing my teeth, and walked into the bedroom to grab a pair of socks when I started feeling ornery. Amanda was getting ready to put on her shirt, and I shoved her down on the bed and took off like a scalded dog for fear of retaliation...when I hit the hardwood, it was slicker than snot. I ended up on my ass brushing my teeth. I was playing it cool though, I just kept brushing pretending like everything was cool. I often brush my teeth while laying down...
What I thought was hives yesterday has begun to spread. Its now all the way around my neck and down my chest. Its red, and has little white pimples on it. Its pretty disgusting. I'm wondering if its maybe a heat rash from the recent exercise. Since my body isn't use to the excess sweating. Im not sure....but Golden is on sick call tomorrow from 1-4, so I guess I'll go throw some more money at him assuming the rash isnt better tomorrow. Well, as I was typing this, Jonathan came online so I chatted with him. Normally I would have called dad, but I'm sure if I called him at 1AM about a rash it would bring back memories of one of his old jobs. Ill tell you about that in a minute. Anyhow, Jonathan said just use cortisone cream, because it didnt sound like anything contagious or dangerous. So I went to Walgreens at 1AM and the cortisone was INSTANT itching relief. If its not better by Monday, I will go into the doctor.
OK, now back to the story of Dad. He use to be a caseworker for a home with people with mental disorders. I remember one morning at about 3AM, his phone rings....It wakes me up and I go in his room to see who was calling at that time of day, fearing something bad had happened. I hear Dad say, "Why are you calling me at 3AM to tell me your toilet paper is chafing your ass! I LAUGHED SO HARD! He then proceeded to tell the guy he would not look at his ass, but he would get him new toilet paper. I'm sure Dad didn't think it was funny, but I did, and still laugh when I think about it. It also brings back other fond memories. I miss the days with me and Dad. Before I had the worries of bills, work, and children. The only worry I had was whether or not we were going to toss the baseball around that day or not. I'm sure Dad had plenty of worries, but he never let it show. I'll save all the details of that for another day. Maybe Ill do a write up for Father's day.
So anyhow, thats all I have for today. Oh yea, one more thing. I borrowed a camcorder until I can afford my own, so I plan to upload my first video blog tomorrow!
Of course at this point Mom believed me and was so exited, that I immediately felt terrible. I let it go for about an hour and I called her, and she was like "I knew you were kidding" blah blah blah....I HAD HER GOOD!
So, on another note, I managed to fall flat on my ass today while brushing my teeth. I bet you are wondering how I managed to do that. Well, I was brushing my teeth, and walked into the bedroom to grab a pair of socks when I started feeling ornery. Amanda was getting ready to put on her shirt, and I shoved her down on the bed and took off like a scalded dog for fear of retaliation...when I hit the hardwood, it was slicker than snot. I ended up on my ass brushing my teeth. I was playing it cool though, I just kept brushing pretending like everything was cool. I often brush my teeth while laying down...
What I thought was hives yesterday has begun to spread. Its now all the way around my neck and down my chest. Its red, and has little white pimples on it. Its pretty disgusting. I'm wondering if its maybe a heat rash from the recent exercise. Since my body isn't use to the excess sweating. Im not sure....but Golden is on sick call tomorrow from 1-4, so I guess I'll go throw some more money at him assuming the rash isnt better tomorrow. Well, as I was typing this, Jonathan came online so I chatted with him. Normally I would have called dad, but I'm sure if I called him at 1AM about a rash it would bring back memories of one of his old jobs. Ill tell you about that in a minute. Anyhow, Jonathan said just use cortisone cream, because it didnt sound like anything contagious or dangerous. So I went to Walgreens at 1AM and the cortisone was INSTANT itching relief. If its not better by Monday, I will go into the doctor.
OK, now back to the story of Dad. He use to be a caseworker for a home with people with mental disorders. I remember one morning at about 3AM, his phone rings....It wakes me up and I go in his room to see who was calling at that time of day, fearing something bad had happened. I hear Dad say, "Why are you calling me at 3AM to tell me your toilet paper is chafing your ass! I LAUGHED SO HARD! He then proceeded to tell the guy he would not look at his ass, but he would get him new toilet paper. I'm sure Dad didn't think it was funny, but I did, and still laugh when I think about it. It also brings back other fond memories. I miss the days with me and Dad. Before I had the worries of bills, work, and children. The only worry I had was whether or not we were going to toss the baseball around that day or not. I'm sure Dad had plenty of worries, but he never let it show. I'll save all the details of that for another day. Maybe Ill do a write up for Father's day.
So anyhow, thats all I have for today. Oh yea, one more thing. I borrowed a camcorder until I can afford my own, so I plan to upload my first video blog tomorrow!
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