Depression relapse is a bitch...

   Not exactly sure what brought it on, but I have kind of under the weather today. Not in a physical sense, but in an emotional sense. I have just felt like shit all day. It may have been the junk food last night at Godsey's. Im not sure why some days I'm ok, and others I feel depressed. I'm afraid to say that I may need to increase my dosage of Paxil. This scares me, because I feel like I have finally reached a point where the side effects of the AD's have subsided. Im afraid if I increase my dose, the side effects will come back in full force.
    The side effects of Paxil and Celexa for me included, a feeling of drunkness, or disconnectedness, "brain zaps", various sexual side effects (including anaorgasma), insomnia, chills, anxiety, and various other side effects. They are so bad in the first few weeks, that it makes you wonder if the drugs are worse than the depression. I really wish I could go back to not taking any medicine. The idea of having to rely on AD's to function properly long term is depressing (ironic, right).
    I try my best to count my blessings in hopes that I can turn my demeanor around when I feel like this, but nothing seems to help. I know I'm blessed with a beautiful wife and daughter, and I feel like I have the inability to enjoy them as I should because of the depression. It's hard to explain if you have never had depression, and it probably just comes across as whiny to my readers. As my EX-Dr. once said. "Just shake it off". How I wish it were that easy. However, its not. Its these times (in the past) that I would turn to alcohol in order to be "happy". Of course I felt whimsical while I was drunk, but felt overwhelming guilt the next day, because I know in my current state of fitness, that was one more night that all I did was harm my body for a few hours of numbness. Of course as part of this blog one thing that I am desperately trying to eliminate from my life is drinking. Now I feel the need to say, that I am not even close to to an alcoholic, but I do know that it's a slippery slope once you turn to alcohol to cope with emotional distress. This is why I went to the Dr. in the first place last year.
   So I have to decide if I should shake this off as a bad day, or take it seriously and talk to the Doc about increasing my dosage. I'm looking to do things that will replace these bad vibes in my life with something a little more constructive, such as this blog, and the video blogging. The problem is that it is taking every little bit of will power I have to sit down and type this out. I feel like it may have some therapeutic value to do this though.
   I usually try to keep this blog upbeat so as not to bring down my audience, but I felt the need to be candid today in my current mental state. NO, I'm not having thoughts of harming myself or others. I just feel like crawling under a rock today, and not coming out until life is easy again. I know those are juvenile thoughts, because life is not going to be easy in this day and time. I just have to learn to cope with it without meds. Because sometimes, Its just not worth the ups and downs that come along with taking AD's.
   I'm sorry if I brought everyone down, it wasn't my intention. My sole intention was to get my thoughts out on virtual paper.

Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow, and I can go back to making people laugh, and stop feeling sorry myself.