**This blog is Deprecated and is no longer updated**
Not just a weight loss blog!! The Times and Trials (and ramblings) of a fat, divorced Daddy of two, trying to keep it together, lose weight and make a living.
P.S. This is an outpouring of my thoughts, so grammar and punctuation take a back seat to that. You have been warned!!!
Im on day 2 of my Paxil tapering schedule, and I'm feeling it today. I've had hot flashes/chills, profuse sweating, trembling, the feeling of weakness in my legs and arms, shortness of breath, hear palps. Not to mention the horrible anxiety I have had today.
I looked up some other withdrawals symptoms as well. There is a literal laundry list.
Frequently Reported Symptoms:
intense insomnia
extraordinarily vivid dreams
extreme confusion during waking hours
intense fear of losing your sanity
steady feeling of existing outside of reality as you know it (referred to as depersonalization at times)
memory and concentration problems
Panic Attacks (even if you never had one before)
severe mood swings, esp. heightened irritability / anger
suicidal thoughts (in extreme cases)
an unconventional dizziness/ vertigo
the feeling of shocks, similar to mild electric one, running the length of your body
an unsteady gait
slurred speech
headaches
profuse sweating, esp. at night
muscle cramps
blurred vision
breaking out in tears.
hypersensitivity to motion, sounds, smells.
decreased appetite
nausea
abdominal cramping, diarrhea
loss of appetite
chills/ hot flashes
Less Frequently Reported Symptoms
fainting
"scratching sound" inside one's head
constant white noise in the ears
tingling sensation in cheeks, lips, tongue and surrounding areas.
heart palpitations/ chest pain
swollen and sore eyes
fatigue
extremely localized, bursting headaches
lump in throat
rash / dry, flaky and irritated skin
grinding of teeth
difficulty swallowing
itchiness
I just hope that my symptoms stop where they are. Thankfully, I still have a few Klonopins left to deal with the anxiety levels. I knew when I decided to quit, it would not be an easy task, but I hoping that with my taper schedule, It wouldn't hit me so hard. typically the symptoms last for about 2 weeks, so we'll just see.
I had a little bit of time to myself today while I was driving to Brookland to pick Lauren up. I was listening to Ben Folds song "Learn to Live With What You Are" I've probably listened to the song a hundred times, and never given it a second though past "I like this song". Today, I listened to the lyrics, and I realize that songs lyrics have different meanings to each person. Its kind of like a horoscope...if you read it enough, and put enough thought into it, you can make it relate to you in someway.
The song today gave me a moment of self awareness (as cliche as it sounds), and a moment of clarity. Its been said a million times that depending on your beliefs you only get one shot at life. Sometimes its hard to do the things that your heart tells you to do, due to outside influence, such as family, friends, and money. Not that family is trying to hurt your future, they just worry about you. Sometimes a simple talk from someone that thinks they are helping you, can take the wind completely out of your sails. When everything boils down to its prime, the only thing you have is yourself, and your feelings. As time passes, influences will come and go (like everything does). One day you may remember a time when you had ambitions to do something that you think will make you happy, but you may feel its too late, or you are afraid to mention it again, because last time you were told it wouldn't be beneficial for you.
I guess what Im saying is that sometimes, you just have to do what you feel in your heart that you should do. Something I have learned since suffering from depression is that, if something makes you happy, cling to it. For some it may be the hope of a family, or lots of money, or health, or to be closer to whatever your interpretation of God is. No matter what it is, if its healthy, cling to it. Sometimes you need to tell the ones you love that all you need is support. You feel very strongly about it, and you know it feels right.
That's the purpose of this blog post. Since losing my job, I have found myself seriously questioning my future. Sure, I'm in school....and I'm majoring in Computer Sciences. Ill graduate one day, and maybe land a job making 60-70k a year, and I'll be able to have all the things I've always wanted. The real question is, "will I be truly happy at night, when I lay on my pillow?" For me, the answer is "maybe", I may be happy with a career in computers, its a growing industry. However, I'm pushing 30 now, and for me, maybe is NOT good enough anymore. I want to do something that will make me truly happy. There is only one career that will make me happy. That career is in music. Not to be a pop star sensation or anything like that....I want to TEACH music. I want to be a choir director.
People will most likely tell me that it doesn't pay enough, or that fine arts is a dying thing in public schools. Frankly, I don't want to hear any of it. It's been said before, and I understand that I will never be rich. However, let me ask you this. Are you truly happy with your career? Most likely not. You spend 1/3 of your life at work. Why wouldn't you want a job that makes you happy?
With that being said, I'm switching my major to music. My first true love was music. Music means different things to different people, so some people may not understand a love for music. I am personally tired of leading my life like others want me to live. I don't care that I wont be rich. Will my family be happier with money, and material things, or with happier with a happy healthy father/husband. I think the latter would make the most sense. I don't want to be rich. I want to live moderately, and have a fulfilling and happy career.
I love my friends and family very much, and I know they only want whats best for me. However, I want everyone to know, that a career in music is what's best for me, and at this point, the only that I ask of you is your support. I want to make music. Music truly makes me happy, and when everything else is gone, all thats left is yourself. As they say, you are born alone, and you die alone. I know that sounds bleak, but in all reality, its true, and when my time comes, I want to know that I had a happy life. I won't care about money and possessions.
Sometimes Everything you've ever wanted Floats above Sticking out its tongue and laughing While everything Anyone can ever need Is down below Waiting for you To notice There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you While the world is watching All you need is the thing you've forgotten And that's to learn to live with what you are
You know its funny....Ben Folds has had such a profound impact on my life. It sounds funny, I know....but his music played on my stereo when I separated from my first wife. His music played at my wedding. Gracie was named after his song "Gracie". His music has never failed me.
I have been thinking alot lately about the paxil. I have decided after much personal debate to stop taking them. The mood swings when I'm taking them have taken a toll on me and Amanda. The reason I started taking Paxil in the first place was because of work related worries and stresses. I have reached a point where I wonder if the benefits outweigh the side effects.
I have read that quitting Paxil cold turkey is NOT a smart move, so I contacted my doctor and got put a taper schedule. For those of my readers that are curious about quitting Paxil themselves, Ill fill you in on my taper schedule. I searched for one on my own to no avail.
Im currently on 20mg at bedtime. Im going to 10mg for 3 weeks, then 5mg for 1 week, then I'm done.
I made this decision based on my behavior as of the last few weeks. Anyone in my family can tell you that I have been a complete dick. I haven't been myself lately, and the only thing I can think of is the Paxil. If I go off the meds, and experience profound depression again, then I will see doctor Golden and try a different AD. The paxil side effects are simply not worth it to me. I feel worse now than I EVER did before AD's.
Not to mention Paxil causes weight gain, which is going to make my weight loss journey more difficult. I have to think about which is going to benefit me more....weight loss, or AD's.
I just wanted to talk about some things that didn't make into the videos over the past few days. I hope you guys are enjoying the youtube videos as much as we enjoy making them. I am currently trying to get in touch with a gentleman that does caricatures to make a new banner for the site. Not that there is anything wrong with the one that Amanda made. I just think it should include the rest of the family.
I still haven't heard back from the US postal service on my job app. The postmaster of Lake City promised me an interview, but she says they have to wait on a hiring packet from the main office. Im kinda holding out on looking for a job until I hear from them. I really would like to find something part time so I can finish school.
Lauren will be coming over on Friday night to spend the night with us, so I should be able to get some good footage for youtube. You never know what that girl is likely to do!
Im still waiting for my back to get better, and I still haven't been able to go to the gym like I would like to. I hate that. I feel like Im letting everyone down, but when you go from never exercising to exercising, you are likely to sustain injury. I promise you guys that Im really not making excuses. In case you missed the youtube video, the docs found out that I have scoliosis and a problem with my l-5, s-1 joint. The problem with the joint is causing the muscles around it to inflame and have spasms, which is incredibly painful.
I recently came back into contact with an old high school friend, and its like we never even quit talking. She is also really hitting it off with Amanda which amazes me, because Amanda is alot like me in that people easily annoy her. We are really looking forward to seeing you, Micah! Hopefully we can all get together real soon.
Thats all I have for now. Keep reading, following, and watching!
P.S. Even though I said I was swearing off shaving and cutting my hair, I decided to go ahead and get my hair cut tomorrow, so I can actually do something with it!! Ill keep the beard going though!
This is a great recipe! Ill upload the video soon on youtube!
Ingredients
2 lb Boston Butt Pork Roast (Pork Tenderloin can be substituted)1 can Root Beer18 Oz Bottle of your Favorite BBQ sauce
Directions
Serving Size: Makes 8 sandwiches
Place the roast in an appropriate sized crock pot or slow cooker.
Pour in the root beer.
Cook the roast until it is tender enough to pull apart easily or otherwise falls off the bone. (approximately 7 hours)
Pull the Roast apart and place back on the cooker and pour in the BBQ sauce. Heat through and serve in the buns. DELICIOUS!
